my life is emily
used to be my 365 picture blog for the year of 2011. now it's just my personal, personal blog where i write thoughts i can't express on my main blog. i'm a 19 yr. old college freshman with high hopes and a lot of dreams.

~2011 was my year. we will be remembered. ♥
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The craziest things happen when you least expect them to

July 28th, 2012 (approx. 2:09 AM)

It’s been forever since I’ve blogged. I haven’t had the time, and I honestly haven’t felt the need to. But tonight was weird, and I figured I should mark the weirdest night of my life by documenting it on my personal blog.

So much has happened these past four months. I’ve moved on from Dylan. I’ve started liking a new guy. I’ve finished my first year of college.

I’ll rewind to about three weeks ago…

Three weeks ago on the day before the fourth of July, Tim drunk texted me, asking to borrow my book. He already had the one, and he wanted the next one. The next day, I was planning on bringing him the book, but my car’s back windshield had been broken. I had no way of getting to him, and was stranded at my friend’s house for her birthday party. We jokingly argued all night about him coming to pick me up, and me going to our work to drop it off.

He ended up picking me up.

After dropping me off, he texted me asking if I was going to sleep, and then proceeded to tell me he wanted to hang out & when I told him after I get back from vacation, he said I don’t wanna wait. Of course by that text he was drunk.

And then he disappeared for a week. I talked to him the following Thursday, and then the Tuesday I got back from vacation, I talked to him again. I worked both the Fri & Sat nights with him. Friday we talked, but Saturday we were completely bored and by ourselves. So we just sat there and chatted about random stuff. We talked about the night he picked me up & I “turned down hanging out.” We talked about my vacation. We talked about so much random stuff.

The following Wednesday, it was his birthday. He showed up while I was working because he had a hockey game. After his game, we ended up getting done the same time, and we walked out together.

Thursday night, or Friday early morning, at about 2:30 in the morning, he texted me. He was drunk, and in AC for his birthday. The highlight of his drunk texts was him telling me he missed me - which I still don’t understand, and I still haven’t gotten an answer to. I got pissed off, though, because the only texts he ever sends are drunken ones, minus the rare sober ones. If he can’t text me while he’s sober, then why should I text him back while he’s drunk. I just don’t know what to think. Delia told me months ago about how Tim is always talking about me, and how when he was drunk he told her that he “didn’t know. I know I’m always saying I’m just messing around, but I think it could be something more.” Or whatever he said. I just don’t get it. Apparently drunk!Tim may possibly like me lol.

Friday night I had work, and I showed up not knowing what to expect. He helped me find my brother, he jokingly got annoyed that I didn’t get him anything from Saladworks…typical Tim behavior. Except he was 10 times quieter, and completely hungover and dead tired. He walked by multiple times saying he wanted to throw up. He was half asleep the whole night. And when I asked how his birthday had been, he told me he “didn’t want to talk about it.” It was an amusing night. I think I would have gotten more information from him about his lovely night, and I could have confronted him about his texts, if my friends hadn’t been there. But oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Then, Mel & I were talking about “Hollydell Mistakes” at work tonight. I said mine was definitely Matt last year, although I don’t know if it was a mistake, or just.. not a good choice…

And then, after an entire year, Matt came into Hollydell tonight. I haven’t seen him since he left the place a year ago. I was, and still am, in complete shock. It was probably one of the most unexpected things to happen within the past two days (the other being Tim drunk texting me Thursday night).

I freaked out.

I know he noticed I freaked out, too. I literally was like what the hell? Tim noticed my freak out, too, I believe. When I was talking to Mel behind the snack bar about it, and Matt being there, Tim was staring at me. I don’t know if he was worried, confused, or pissed because I was giving him a headache haha.

But Matt’s brother invited me to a party, and told me to text Matt for the address. I decided it was in my best interest to not go. I’m pretty sure my going to that party would result in my calling somebody (probably Tim or my best friend), either drunk or stranded. 

Tonight was so weird. I just don’t get life sometimes.

Sigh. Oh well.

I’m seeing Parachute tonight. And the Cab. Hopefully it makes it all better.

And I’m feeling gooooooood….

February 7th, 2012 (approx 9:33 PM)

I should be reading The Jungle for history right now, but I’m not. I was going to check out the Forever21 website, and browse a bit. But it’s not working. So now I’m here. On Tumblr. 

My mom and I finished the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls last night. Jess left, Rory graduated, and I cried. We’re now on the beginning of the fourth season. I’m counting down the episodes until A.) Jess comes back. And tells Rory he loves her. and B.) Luke and Lorelai get it onnnnn~ heh. and C.) When Lorelai walks into a door when the Dragonfly is opening, and it’s all because of Luke…which happens in the same episode as B. 

OH. And I finally finished The O.C. And I cried. A lot. Now I want to rewatch it again, even though I definitely don’t have time. I’m considering buying the complete series for like $79, instead of $179. So it’s a good price.. Gah, I love the show, and seeing Adam on Gilmore Girls made me really want to watch The O.C. And Rachel in Jumper, Waiting for Forever & Hart of Dixie. I’ve been watching a lot of things with Rachel Bilson in them…

Anyways, it’s been a good month. Last week there were a few days with incredibly beautiful weather. I drove with the windows down, blasting music (especially some Keith Urban), and it was fantastic. I was so happy. :) 

And I’m still happy. I think I’ve moved on. And that makes me very, very happy. Some weird thing happened at work over the weekend, concerning one of Matt’s friends. But I don’t want to blog about it. It was just amusing, and kind of incredibly weird. 

For creative writing, we had to write poetry. We had to write 10 poems. I’ll post one here. I’ll eventually post all of them, probably. This one is a haiku. Or well, three haiku’s. It’s below.

Let’s see… What’s been going on. I’m considering joining a sorority next semester. Haven’t decided yet. Cait is this semester, and I’m definitely considering it. I may have a summer job for the month of July. I would make like, $3000. Much more than I make at my job at the rink. My brother’s team is going to the playoffs (woohoooo!). School is tiring, and I’m quite exhausted, but I’m having a good time.

I’m at a much better place now, than I was last semester. Like, I’m actually happy. I think I’m a bit more tired, but that’s to be expected with so much school work.

Poem time. Too lazy to write a complete blog.. Back to homework, I guess….

What Lies Ahead by Me, Emily 
A smile lights up
My face, as bright as the lights
Of New York City.

I hold on tight as
Excitement clenches my heart,
And pulls me in deep.

There in front of me
Lie my future, dreams, and goals,
Waiting to be found.
Why do I even care.

September 5th, 2011

It’s 12:43 AM. Before going to my room to read, I received a text from Sabu. It basically said, “I hope Matt is ok.” I had no idea what she was talking about, so I asked her. She told me that he had been in a major accident and it was his facebook status.

I didn’t have my laptop, so I went downstairs to use the home computer (that I absolutely never use), to check out what his status was.

What I gathered was, they were going 50mph. They broke a telephone pole in half. He broke the windshield with his head - and he was in the back seat. And he spent 4 hours in the hospital.

He shouldn’t be alive.

And as soon as I read his status, I started crying. I would have texted him asking if he was alright, but he doesn’t have his phone.

So now. I’m sitting here, wondering why I cried. And wondering why I care so much. I don’t like him anymore. I mean, sure, I don’t really have closure. And I still question how and why things ended between us. And I still wonder about the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘what could have happends,’ but honestly. I like somebody else. A lot. And I never see Matt anymore. And I don’t know. The feelings just aren’t there anymore. Not completely.

Next time I see him, I’ll probably get that feeling of confusion, but who knows.

The point is. I guess I was confused as to why I actually cared enough to get concerned and upset. I mean, I think it’s human nature to be concerned if somebody gets in an accident. But to start crying? That’s a little extreme.

We were supposed to start school Tuesday, technically tomorrow, and now I’m assuming he’s not going to be at Rowan. I can’t ask him, though, because he doesn’t have his phone.

God, I worry. Why is he so stupid? He’s such an idiot sometimes. I went from being completely worried and concerned to being angry and annoyed with his stupidity. Complete 180.

I wish he wasn’t stupid. And part of me wishes I didn’t care so much.

June 23rd, 2011
We did it.
We graduated.
On June 20th, 2011, I was officially a graduate. You know, it still hasn’t hit me completely. I’ve added a bunch of my favorite, old teachers on Facebook, and I attended college orientation yesterday and today - but still, it hasn’t hit me yet. I don’t go back to high school next year. Next year, I go to Rowan. 
I scheduled my classes today. Intro to Sociology, Experiencing Literature, American Government, some Math course that sounds easy, and College Composition I. From what I’ve heard, my teachers are all good, except my Comp teacher. I want to change that. I have two classes late afternoon Monday/Wednesday. And three classes Tuesday/Thursday spread out from mid-morning to late afternoon. Nothing on Friday. :)
I saw Matt at orientation both days. He texted me today asking where I was, and I ended up running into him. Things are weird between us. We’re friends, yeah. But we haven’t worked together in over a month or two. We haven’t talked as much. I don’t know. Ugh. Explain to me why I still like him? I don’t think he’s taking the same courses as I am. So that’s good. I won’t be in any of the same classes..
I’m going down the shore with Dylan, Cecilia and Sabah tomorrow. We’re visiting Shane and Kristina. I’m excited. My summer officially starts tomorrow.
This brings me to the picture.
It’s of Cecilia, Kristina, Dylan and me. If you added in Sabah and Lindsay, you would have my best friends. Things are going to be so different after this summer. Kris goes an hour or so away. Lindsay’s staying here. Sabah’s commuting to Drexel. Cecilia’s going to school in Philly, but she’ll still be here. And Dylan. Dylan’s going 5 hours away. 
Okay, yes. I still like Dylan. I wish I didn’t. But I do. We were ‘bus buddies’ before/after project graduation (which was a blast). He ended up falling asleep on my lap going home from project grad. You know, parts of me wished he didn’t have a girlfriend. Parts of me wished I could tell him how I felt.
But he does.
And I won’t.
I’m happy if he’s happy. That sounds so clichéd & stupid, but it’s true. I’m happy that he’s happy. I mean, yeah, I’m surprised they’re dating. But she’s good for him. Okay, wow, I sound ridiculous. I sound so incredibly jealous. Which I am, I guess.. I don’t like being jealous. So I try not to be. Why do I like him now… Why couldn’t I figure out my feelings months, or even years ago… I’m honestly still surprised I like him. Or maybe I’m more surprised that I was able to actually admit it to myself and others… 
It was bound to happen again, though. He’s my best guy friend. He knows me better than any other guy. We’ve been close forever. He’s always been there for me. And yeah, we’ve had our weird, awkward moments. But he’s Dylan. It’s how we are.
Okay, depressing. This is going to stop now… ugh.
Anyways, this picture. It’s the most important people in my life. It was taken graduation night, after we had graduated. It makes me incredibly sad looking at it. It could possibly be one of the last times we’re all together like that, you know? And that 100% scares me. 
I’m incredibly happy to have left high school. But I’m also incredibly scared. The people I love the most, who are my best friends in the entire world..I don’t want to lose them. We’ll all separate and go our own ways eventually, but here’s to hoping we don’t lose touch. I don’t want to not hear from my best friends. It would honestly kill me. Yeah, I know we all move on, and we become best friends with other people. But these are the people who know my secrets, and everything about me. They know me better than I know myself. And yeah, I may lose touch with them in the future. But I honestly do not want to. Holding onto their friendships mean a lot to me.
Class of 2011. We will be remembered.

June 23rd, 2011

We did it.

We graduated.

On June 20th, 2011, I was officially a graduate. You know, it still hasn’t hit me completely. I’ve added a bunch of my favorite, old teachers on Facebook, and I attended college orientation yesterday and today - but still, it hasn’t hit me yet. I don’t go back to high school next year. Next year, I go to Rowan. 

I scheduled my classes today. Intro to Sociology, Experiencing Literature, American Government, some Math course that sounds easy, and College Composition I. From what I’ve heard, my teachers are all good, except my Comp teacher. I want to change that. I have two classes late afternoon Monday/Wednesday. And three classes Tuesday/Thursday spread out from mid-morning to late afternoon. Nothing on Friday. :)

I saw Matt at orientation both days. He texted me today asking where I was, and I ended up running into him. Things are weird between us. We’re friends, yeah. But we haven’t worked together in over a month or two. We haven’t talked as much. I don’t know. Ugh. Explain to me why I still like him? I don’t think he’s taking the same courses as I am. So that’s good. I won’t be in any of the same classes..

I’m going down the shore with Dylan, Cecilia and Sabah tomorrow. We’re visiting Shane and Kristina. I’m excited. My summer officially starts tomorrow.

This brings me to the picture.

It’s of Cecilia, Kristina, Dylan and me. If you added in Sabah and Lindsay, you would have my best friends. Things are going to be so different after this summer. Kris goes an hour or so away. Lindsay’s staying here. Sabah’s commuting to Drexel. Cecilia’s going to school in Philly, but she’ll still be here. And Dylan. Dylan’s going 5 hours away. 

Okay, yes. I still like Dylan. I wish I didn’t. But I do. We were ‘bus buddies’ before/after project graduation (which was a blast). He ended up falling asleep on my lap going home from project grad. You know, parts of me wished he didn’t have a girlfriend. Parts of me wished I could tell him how I felt.

But he does.

And I won’t.

I’m happy if he’s happy. That sounds so clichéd & stupid, but it’s true. I’m happy that he’s happy. I mean, yeah, I’m surprised they’re dating. But she’s good for him. Okay, wow, I sound ridiculous. I sound so incredibly jealous. Which I am, I guess.. I don’t like being jealous. So I try not to be. Why do I like him now… Why couldn’t I figure out my feelings months, or even years ago… I’m honestly still surprised I like him. Or maybe I’m more surprised that I was able to actually admit it to myself and others… 

It was bound to happen again, though. He’s my best guy friend. He knows me better than any other guy. We’ve been close forever. He’s always been there for me. And yeah, we’ve had our weird, awkward moments. But he’s Dylan. It’s how we are.

Okay, depressing. This is going to stop now… ugh.

Anyways, this picture. It’s the most important people in my life. It was taken graduation night, after we had graduated. It makes me incredibly sad looking at it. It could possibly be one of the last times we’re all together like that, you know? And that 100% scares me. 

I’m incredibly happy to have left high school. But I’m also incredibly scared. The people I love the most, who are my best friends in the entire world..I don’t want to lose them. We’ll all separate and go our own ways eventually, but here’s to hoping we don’t lose touch. I don’t want to not hear from my best friends. It would honestly kill me. Yeah, I know we all move on, and we become best friends with other people. But these are the people who know my secrets, and everything about me. They know me better than I know myself. And yeah, I may lose touch with them in the future. But I honestly do not want to. Holding onto their friendships mean a lot to me.

Class of 2011. We will be remembered.

June 10th, 2011

Tonight was the Last Dance. It’s a father/daugther, mother/son dance for seniors at my school. It was so much fun. (I got a new dress and new shoes for it - woohoo! All using my 579 discount..) Anyways, it was a great time. Daddy didn’t dance as much because Lindsay’s daddy didn’t dance, and daddy didn’t want him to feel lonely I guess. But it was still fun.

They played a father/daughter song… As soon as I heard the first note of the song, I recognized it. And I started tearing up. It was "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw.

This song is a song that I heard one day, a really long time ago, on the way to work. And as I was driving, I found myself crying my eyes out. Since then, I decided the song would be my father/daughter song at my wedding, whenever I get married.

So naturally, they play my song. And I danced with my daddy. And I cried the ENTIRE time. I had my eyes shut, and I was just crying. So much. I think daddy cried, too, but I’m not sure about that. All I know is that I cried. A lot. I’m quite an emotional person, so I was expecting to be sad or something tonight. But I was not expecting that song to play. 

And incase you were wondering, my wedding song is still going to be “My Best Friend” by Tim McGraw. Honestly, he should just come sing at my wedding. ;) Hahahaha. That’ll probably change, but I don’t want it to. And I know my father/daughter dance will always by “My Little Girl.”

Oh, second picture is me and Dylan. It’s one of my favorite pictures from tonight. We both actually are smiling nicely. And it’s one of the pictures where my hair actually looks nice… (That’s my new dress! You can’t see my shoes in that picture, but I’m pretty sure you can in the other. Love those shoes. Even if they don’t fit exactly..)

Anyways, I graduate the 20th. Three more days of finals, and then two days of graduation practice, a weekend, and then graduation. Wow. How time flies. This year went by so quickly. Powderpuff, homecoming, senior trip, prom, now the last dance. Everything went by so damn fast. I will miss senior year, and high school, and everything. I’ll miss my friends and the memories and stuff. But I can’t wait to get out of this school, too. Although I’m sadly not going far, at least I’ll be somewhat near some of my friends.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next year being away from Kristina and other people, especially Dylan. I honestly have no clue what’s going to happen, and what I’m going to do. I do know that I’ll have a good time - hopefully, anyway.

Oh, I saw Matt’s brother Bill at the dance tonight. WEIRDEST. THING. EVER. I know Bill because he works with us. He’s older. He was with his girlfriend’s sister, I think… He danced in the middle of the circle a bit and made Bec and I laugh our asses off. Bec and I stopped by hdell and talked to people a bit. We’ve decided we’re going down the shore (with Matt and some of the others) asap. And we showed Matt a picture of Bill that Bec took for proof. Funniest thing ever. (Oh, random thought. Matt smoked in front of me tonight, because we were walking up to hdell as he was walking out to take his ‘smoke break.’ It was so weird. And awkward, considering he never acknowledges to me that he’s back to smoking… I’m not stupid, I know he does. And I’m sure he knows I know, but he usually tries to hide it from me.)

Anyways. Senior year’s coming to a close. I still have no idea what’s going on in my life. I like Dyl. I like Matt. I have no idea what else to say other than that. My life is crazy. I love my daddy. I love that dress and those shoes. And I love dancing. (Daddy and I did the sprinkler.. should have gotten a picture of that.. haha.)

Another one of those Matt posts….

May 15th, 2011

Boys drive me crazy. I got a new job at 579, my favorite store in the mall. At work tonight (or well, last night, considering it’s 1:20 in the morning right now..), I was talking to matt about how I’m leaving and stuff. And he kept saying how we had to hang out. And how I couldn’t leave him. He even came into the front window and sat with me for a good ten minutes talking. He hasn’t done that since before we started talking.

It felt like old times.

It was so weird. At one point, he was talking about seeing our friend Nick, and he said he saw him at Friendly’s. Insert the awkward pause here. He then corrected himself, sayig he saw him at Applebee’s. He had told me this story back when it had happened, and we were talking. Friendly’s is where we went for our date back in March.

Awkward.

He told me how we’d have to hang from 8-10:15. And how he should make an event on his phone so he remembered or whatever.. So I figured he meant me coming back and visiting the ice rink, since his hours are basically 8-10:15 Friday and Saturday nights. When I pointed that out, he said that he meant outside of the ice rink.

It bothered me how he kept insisting we hang out. It kept coming up. Reminds me how he kept talking about seeing No Strings Attached, and then when it almost happened, he backed out.

He made a picture of us, from the other night, his profile picture, too. And that’s bugging me, too. I don’t know why. But he’s really not helping with the whole getting over him thing. ugh. And now I have to spend the next four years at college with him… Friday night his friends were at the rink, and they were bugging me. And he was bugging me. And then this happened last night. And now I have four years to look forward to. I need to get away so I can get over him.

April 30th, 2011

 wtf. I love when my entire post doesn’t save. Cool.

Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike Matt?

He really knows how to piss me off. Tonight, at work, he mentioned my necklace like 4 times. I just recently put it back on after taking it off after senior trip, and after we stopped talking. He kept talking about it to me. And to Skylar. And yeah..

And then we were talking about how we’re going to the same college next year, and stuff. And I mentioned how I wanted to get an apartment or something my sophomore year since I can’t live on campus. And he’s all:

Yeah, that’s what I want to do. We should get a house together. We could live together.

Skylar turned and looked at me like wtf, did he really just say that. I was like uh, yeah.. no.. Ha. Ha. Ha. and then I walked out of the skate rental as fast as I could.

Back when we were talking, he mentioned how if he went to Rowan, he wanted to get a place, and I could totally come and visit and hang out. Well. We’re not talking anymore, not like that.

I understand he’s not a relationship kind of person. I get that. I felt that going into whatever we “had.” Or whatever. But what kind of guy says stuff like that? And mentions stuff that’ll happen in the future, like college and his birthday and driving and everything, multiple times? And buys you a pretty necklace for your birthday, and jokes with you about prom, and texts you every. single. day. for over a month?

Jeanine was like maybe since you’re going to the same college, things will work out and you’ll get together again. I was like yeah, okay, maybe if he grows the hell up and stops acting the way he is. I highly doubt that’ll ever happen.

I really want to get over him, but obviously I haven’t yet. I was doing well until like this past week. I think it was like his birthday or the day before his birthday or something. And then tonight kind of completely pissed me off and messed me up.

Prom’s this coming weekend. I’m set on having a good time. Every chance I get, I mention it in front of him. Sometimes he joins in the conversation, other times he sits there awkwardly and shit. Serves him right. He should have been my date, not a kid that I barely know. Not that I don’t like my date. Yeah, it’s kind of awkward going with him, but he’s a cool kid.

Ugh. I want to punch him in the face. Guys suck.

April 28th, 2011
Tomorrow’s the Royal Wedding. And I’m not going to watch. As much as I’m dying to see Kate & William marry, I’m not waking up at 4 in the morning.. which is when coverage starts over here.
When I was younger, I had a HUGE crush on Prince William. Seriously. It was a crush that lasted forever. And I’m not going to lie, I still love him. But I love Kate, too, and they seem perfect for each other. I’m excited for them. :p
Just got back from Mr. WT. Shane shouldn’t have won. Gah. Anyone but him. Even CJ should have won more than him. CJ. Reg. Joey. John. Anybody. Seriously.
I texted Matt today about college stuff. And uh. He asked me who is this? Awkward…. He apparently got a new phone - and uh. Never asked me for my number. Cool. Good chatting with ya. Whateverrrrrrrrr.
Moving on. It’ll happen.

April 28th, 2011

Tomorrow’s the Royal Wedding. And I’m not going to watch. As much as I’m dying to see Kate & William marry, I’m not waking up at 4 in the morning.. which is when coverage starts over here.

When I was younger, I had a HUGE crush on Prince William. Seriously. It was a crush that lasted forever. And I’m not going to lie, I still love him. But I love Kate, too, and they seem perfect for each other. I’m excited for them. :p

Just got back from Mr. WT. Shane shouldn’t have won. Gah. Anyone but him. Even CJ should have won more than him. CJ. Reg. Joey. John. Anybody. Seriously.

I texted Matt today about college stuff. And uh. He asked me who is this? Awkward…. He apparently got a new phone - and uh. Never asked me for my number. Cool. Good chatting with ya. Whateverrrrrrrrr.

Moving on. It’ll happen.

April 23rd, 2011
Bitches will be bitches.
I can’t believe she showed up at my work. You’re cool. I wish I could be more like you. LOL JK. I don’t want to be a bitch…
I got home at 2:30 AM this morning after bowling (and a bday party for my friend). It was a lot of fun. And then I ended up going to bed at 4:30, because I was watching Gossip Girl. Gah.
Remember my FNL and TVD addictions? Yeah. It’s now GG. I needed to start a new show, and who knew I’d get hooked that fast. I started watching two Tuesdays ago, and I’m now in the middle of season three. Almost all caught up… Haha. I’m in love with Ed Westwick. And I love Chuck Bass. And Chuck and Blair together. THEY BELONG TOGETHER.
Yep.
Oh, and Matt. Worked with him today. Kind of felt like old times. Kind of.

April 23rd, 2011

Bitches will be bitches.

I can’t believe she showed up at my work. You’re cool. I wish I could be more like you. LOL JK. I don’t want to be a bitch…

I got home at 2:30 AM this morning after bowling (and a bday party for my friend). It was a lot of fun. And then I ended up going to bed at 4:30, because I was watching Gossip Girl. Gah.

Remember my FNL and TVD addictions? Yeah. It’s now GG. I needed to start a new show, and who knew I’d get hooked that fast. I started watching two Tuesdays ago, and I’m now in the middle of season three. Almost all caught up… Haha. I’m in love with Ed Westwick. And I love Chuck Bass. And Chuck and Blair together. THEY BELONG TOGETHER.

Yep.

Oh, and Matt. Worked with him today. Kind of felt like old times. Kind of.

April 16th, 2011
It’s over. Matt and I. It became clear last night. It’s completely done and I’m moving on. Things change. I’m better off.

April 16th, 2011

It’s over. Matt and I. It became clear last night. It’s completely done and I’m moving on. Things change. I’m better off.