January 1st, 2013

It’s crazy how a year has gone by already. I hardly ever blog anymore. I don’t actually go on Tumblr unless I’m really bored. But it only seemed fitting that I came on here and wrote down my thoughts about this past year.

While trying to figure out what my new year resolution was going to be for this year, I couldn’t remember what my resolution from last year was. So I came on here and read over my posts about 2012 last year.

“And lastly I want to be happy this year… I want to be happy this year and I want to live in the moment.”

It’s funny, because when thinking of a resolution for 2013, my first thought was “to be happy.” 

This past year was a good year. I joined a sorority, started my second year of college, got my Little… I had a lot of fun, met what feels like millions of new people, and became more outgoing. I’ve made some amazing new friends, and I love them all. I’ve liked two guys this year, or technically three, but I no longer like the one. One is a guy from one of the fraternities I’m close to at school.

One is the same guy I started liking at the beginning of 2012. I feel like I’ve come full circle. Wasting an entire year on a guy seems so pointless, and so stupid, and it feels like I should just move on and be done with it all. But he makes it so hard when he’s one of the only ones who texted me saying happy new year. He makes it hard when he makes me smile, and laugh, and happy. Yeah, he frustrates me, and he’s upset me, and pissed me off. But he’s made me smile and laugh more than any of the negative. But does it outweigh the negative?

I don’t know.

We’ve gone through a lot these past five or six months, more so in these past four months than anything. So much has happened, and so much is confusing and unexplained. All I know, is that I like him a lot. And he likes me. But he’s ‘fucked up,’ and doesn’t want to ‘fuck with my head’ or anything. And I should move on, but do I want to move on? I don’t think so. Not yet. And the only reason I think I don’t want to move on yet, is because I know that if I move on, it means giving up hope, 100%, on him and everything involving him. And the only way to move on, would be to cut him out of my life, because I can remain friends with him, but I think for as long as I remain friends with him, I’m never going to be truly over him.

It’s all so confusing.

For the New Year, though, I would like to continue my 2012 resolution “to be happy.” 

2013.

I want to move forward, and not dwell on the past. I want to live in the moment. I want to accomplish goals, and be the best me possible. I want to do better than I did this past year. I want to continue to grow into the person I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and find happiness in the things I do, the people I surround myself with, and the work I do to try to achieve my dreams.

February 7th, 2012 (approx 9:33 PM)

I should be reading The Jungle for history right now, but I’m not. I was going to check out the Forever21 website, and browse a bit. But it’s not working. So now I’m here. On Tumblr. 

My mom and I finished the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls last night. Jess left, Rory graduated, and I cried. We’re now on the beginning of the fourth season. I’m counting down the episodes until A.) Jess comes back. And tells Rory he loves her. and B.) Luke and Lorelai get it onnnnn~ heh. and C.) When Lorelai walks into a door when the Dragonfly is opening, and it’s all because of Luke…which happens in the same episode as B. 

OH. And I finally finished The O.C. And I cried. A lot. Now I want to rewatch it again, even though I definitely don’t have time. I’m considering buying the complete series for like $79, instead of $179. So it’s a good price.. Gah, I love the show, and seeing Adam on Gilmore Girls made me really want to watch The O.C. And Rachel in Jumper, Waiting for Forever & Hart of Dixie. I’ve been watching a lot of things with Rachel Bilson in them…

Anyways, it’s been a good month. Last week there were a few days with incredibly beautiful weather. I drove with the windows down, blasting music (especially some Keith Urban), and it was fantastic. I was so happy. :) 

And I’m still happy. I think I’ve moved on. And that makes me very, very happy. Some weird thing happened at work over the weekend, concerning one of Matt’s friends. But I don’t want to blog about it. It was just amusing, and kind of incredibly weird. 

For creative writing, we had to write poetry. We had to write 10 poems. I’ll post one here. I’ll eventually post all of them, probably. This one is a haiku. Or well, three haiku’s. It’s below.

Let’s see… What’s been going on. I’m considering joining a sorority next semester. Haven’t decided yet. Cait is this semester, and I’m definitely considering it. I may have a summer job for the month of July. I would make like, $3000. Much more than I make at my job at the rink. My brother’s team is going to the playoffs (woohoooo!). School is tiring, and I’m quite exhausted, but I’m having a good time.

I’m at a much better place now, than I was last semester. Like, I’m actually happy. I think I’m a bit more tired, but that’s to be expected with so much school work.

Poem time. Too lazy to write a complete blog.. Back to homework, I guess….

What Lies Ahead by Me, Emily 
A smile lights up
My face, as bright as the lights
Of New York City.

I hold on tight as
Excitement clenches my heart,
And pulls me in deep.

There in front of me
Lie my future, dreams, and goals,
Waiting to be found.

January 8th, 2012

It’s like midnight, and I wrote a blog just 24 hours ago. I know, I know. I’ve been blogging way too much. But this is something I’ve been thinking about recently, especially last night, and I need to write it down.

Yesterday I stayed up talking to my best friend, Cecilia, online from like at least midnight until 3:30 in the morning. I’ve missed our long talks so much. It was a much needed talk. Every time we talk, I always feel like things make so much more sense. Which is why she’s my best friend. :)

Anyways, we were talking about Dylan at one point. And I’ve been thinking a lot about him and how I feel about him since he’s been home for winter break. I came to the conclusion that I do still like him. But not as much. I think I’m finally moving on. For the past seven months, I have been head over heels for this guy, and completely confused to anything concerning him.

So what’s changed?

One. I think that I just don’t want to like him anymore. I think that my liking him has become an unhealthy thing.

[Cecilia and I often refer to our crushes on some guys as “healthy crushes.” For example, someone I have a crush on because they make me smile and laugh a lot would be considered a healthy crush. Tim would be an example of a healthy crush I have right now. He makes me smile, we always joke around, and I know we won’t get together. There are no pressures, and it’s just like..fun? It’s difficult to explain…]

But anyway, the point is, Dylan is no longer a “healthy crush.” Then again, I don’t know if he ever was.. Everything with Dylan makes me sad, or confused, or upset. Yeah, there are things that make me happy, but I’m more confused or annoyed when I sit and think about him. He also goes to school almost five hours away. I don’t think he likes me back, and even if he does, this is just not going to go anywhere.

Second. After my talk with Cecilia, I realized that I’ve changed these past few months since he’s gone away to school. It’s not a huge, drastic change. But it’s noticeable if you want to notice it. I had a rough latter half of the year in 2011. I was always sad and upset. And I will now be the first to admit that I was borderline-depressed for a good few months. Which is a horrible thing. A really bad thing that I’ve been working on for the past month.

I’ve always been horrible with change. But now I’ve stopped holding onto high school and the past. I think I’ve kind of accepted that I’m growing up. I mean, I’m 19 now. I’ll be 20 at the end of 2012. Now, I’m focused on trying to figure out my life, and trying to find who I really am. Within this past month, I’ve started trying to enjoy school more, and I’ve started “growing up,” I think. And while I’m in this process of growing up and changing, liking Dylan has become so serious, and so confusing. And I think I’ve started to “out grow” my liking him. In other words, I’ve just started moving on…

Third. I’m not the only one who has changed. Dylan’s changed, too. I know he doesn’t enjoy school much. I think he’s trying to hold onto high school, although I honestly have no idea what’s going through his mind. I know he misses it, though. And him being back from being away so long has made him so dylan-y and clingy (although I’m not exactly sure if that’s the right word for it), even more so than usual, I think. Like, for instance, he kept telling me that when I got my wisdom teeth out, he’d come over and watch movies all day. And I kept telling him I wasn’t going to have company over. And he just kept saying that he was going to come by. And I got annoyed by that. 

Fourth. I think it’s really difficult to actually like somebody while they’re away. You can like somebody, but then when they come back, I don’t think you can just know that you still have feelings for them. People change when they’re apart. I mean, I really liked Dylan before he went to college. And when he left, I still liked him. And I held this idea of him in my mind until he came back. And by the time he came back, I was still holding this idea of him. And that’s what I liked. (Not saying that I didn’t/don’t still have feelings for him.)

I don’t know if I’m making much sense. But I do know that for the past two weeks or so, almost every time we’ve been texting, I’ve died on him at some point. I feel bad, but I would just get bored or annoyed with the conversation.. Yeah, he’s still one of my best friends. But we’re definitely not as close as we were, which is kind of to be expected, since he’s away at school. 

I think it also kind of has to do with the fact that I’ve been becoming closer to my mom lately. And I’ve been focusing my attention on other things, other than just missing and liking Dylan. And that makes me feel good if I’m being honest.

I was looking forward to him being home for winter break, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him all the time while he was home. But if I’m being completely honest, I haven’t been in the mood to hang out with him without a group of people.

I know I’m not completely over him yet, but I’m getting there. I mean, with him, though, there’s a chance that I’ll always have some feelings for him. He’s Dylan. He’s my best friend. And for the past seven years or so, on and off, there’s always been something there. I told Cecilia last night that I may wake up in the morning and deny that I ever said I was moving on.

But I woke up this morning, and I didn’t deny it. Actually, I was in a good mood, and only thought about it a little bit throughout the day. When he texted me today, I just thought about this decision and how I felt, and I was okay with it all.

I think that now I’ve accepted that I’m growing up, I’m ready to start moving on and enjoying life. My two main priorities this year are:

Find out who I am. Or well, at least work towards finding out who I am. I don’t think it’s something I can figure out in just one year. It’s an ongoing process.

and more importantly, Be Happy. Like I said, the last part of last year was absolutely horrible for me. I don’t want to experience the feelings of depression I felt again anytime soon. I think if I’m being honest, making the decision to move on from Dylan made me happier today. I want to get rid of the depressing things in my life (such as negative thoughts about college and unhealthy crushes), and I want to focus on the things that make me happy.

Once I press ‘Create Post’ this all will be real. And surprisingly, I’m okay with that. :)

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” - Eleanor Roosevelt