January 1st, 2013

It’s crazy how a year has gone by already. I hardly ever blog anymore. I don’t actually go on Tumblr unless I’m really bored. But it only seemed fitting that I came on here and wrote down my thoughts about this past year.

While trying to figure out what my new year resolution was going to be for this year, I couldn’t remember what my resolution from last year was. So I came on here and read over my posts about 2012 last year.

“And lastly I want to be happy this year… I want to be happy this year and I want to live in the moment.”

It’s funny, because when thinking of a resolution for 2013, my first thought was “to be happy.” 

This past year was a good year. I joined a sorority, started my second year of college, got my Little… I had a lot of fun, met what feels like millions of new people, and became more outgoing. I’ve made some amazing new friends, and I love them all. I’ve liked two guys this year, or technically three, but I no longer like the one. One is a guy from one of the fraternities I’m close to at school.

One is the same guy I started liking at the beginning of 2012. I feel like I’ve come full circle. Wasting an entire year on a guy seems so pointless, and so stupid, and it feels like I should just move on and be done with it all. But he makes it so hard when he’s one of the only ones who texted me saying happy new year. He makes it hard when he makes me smile, and laugh, and happy. Yeah, he frustrates me, and he’s upset me, and pissed me off. But he’s made me smile and laugh more than any of the negative. But does it outweigh the negative?

I don’t know.

We’ve gone through a lot these past five or six months, more so in these past four months than anything. So much has happened, and so much is confusing and unexplained. All I know, is that I like him a lot. And he likes me. But he’s ‘fucked up,’ and doesn’t want to ‘fuck with my head’ or anything. And I should move on, but do I want to move on? I don’t think so. Not yet. And the only reason I think I don’t want to move on yet, is because I know that if I move on, it means giving up hope, 100%, on him and everything involving him. And the only way to move on, would be to cut him out of my life, because I can remain friends with him, but I think for as long as I remain friends with him, I’m never going to be truly over him.

It’s all so confusing.

For the New Year, though, I would like to continue my 2012 resolution “to be happy.” 

2013.

I want to move forward, and not dwell on the past. I want to live in the moment. I want to accomplish goals, and be the best me possible. I want to do better than I did this past year. I want to continue to grow into the person I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and find happiness in the things I do, the people I surround myself with, and the work I do to try to achieve my dreams.

March 11th, 2012 (approx 4:13 PM)

So it’s been about a month since I last wrote my thoughts down. I figured since a lot has happened, I should probably blog sometime soon. So why not today?

Let’s see. I’ve been on campus SO much lately. Eating lunch, just hanging out in the pit, etc.

I joined a sorority. (Crazy right?)  The sorority is ASA. And the girls are absolutely amazing. I love it. It’s just so much fun. And I’m meeting a bunch of new people. Cait and I are both in ASA. We haven’t gotten our Bigs yet - or big sisters. I know who I want, and I’m hoping she wants me, too. :) She is awesome. She loves the Flyers, Audrey Hepburn & Harry Potter. SO much in common haha.

So I’ve been spending my life on campus with friends and everything. Wednesday night I went to my first mixer. That was certainly interesting. I couldn’t stay long because I had to drive home, though.

This week is Spring Break. I really need a break, so I’m excited for it. :) I went to see The Lorax this past week. It was good. I wasn’t feeling well, though, so I was slightly out of it. I’m not a fan of animated movies, but I had to see it because Taylor was in it haha.

Matt had his hockey playoffs. They lost the first game, which was absolutely awful. They could have won. If they had won, they would have automatically had a “game 3” on Sunday, even if they didn’t win Saturday night. If they had won, they would have gone to Districts. So sad they didn’t win & that the season’s over now. Oh well. They haven’t gone that far in a LONG time. I’m happy for them.

Big news! BIG NEWS! BIG NEWS!

I’m living on campus next year. With Cait, her friend Lauren, and this other girl, hopefully in Edgewood apartments. After two days of arguing, it was decided I would live on campus. Now, two days later, I’m slightly freaking out. I have no idea where I’m going to get the money for it… It’s around $7000-$10000 extra than what I pay now as a commuter. But I think it’s the right choice. I’m always on campus now, and I want the chance to live out on my own. Of course I could have waited until junior year, which was what I was planning on, but I don’t know. It just seemed right now. I still have time to change my mind, but I don’t think I will.

School’s been crazy. It’s been difficult. Work’s been crazy, too. Just life in general is a little insane.

I’m going to try to get my homework done with today and tomorrow so I can enjoy my Spring Break. Maybe get some DLT stuff done. Get started on some papers due in late March/early April. I have to write a short story, too. 

I’m going to the Flyers game March 22nd! To see the Capitals - and lovely Knuble, of course. :) I think I’m taking daddy. That same night is the Hunger Games midnight premiere. SO EXCITED. :) I’m going with Sabah & Davis, and a few other people I know are going, too. Plus March 30th is Formal for ASA. So, so busy…

February 7th, 2012 (approx 9:33 PM)

I should be reading The Jungle for history right now, but I’m not. I was going to check out the Forever21 website, and browse a bit. But it’s not working. So now I’m here. On Tumblr. 

My mom and I finished the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls last night. Jess left, Rory graduated, and I cried. We’re now on the beginning of the fourth season. I’m counting down the episodes until A.) Jess comes back. And tells Rory he loves her. and B.) Luke and Lorelai get it onnnnn~ heh. and C.) When Lorelai walks into a door when the Dragonfly is opening, and it’s all because of Luke…which happens in the same episode as B. 

OH. And I finally finished The O.C. And I cried. A lot. Now I want to rewatch it again, even though I definitely don’t have time. I’m considering buying the complete series for like $79, instead of $179. So it’s a good price.. Gah, I love the show, and seeing Adam on Gilmore Girls made me really want to watch The O.C. And Rachel in Jumper, Waiting for Forever & Hart of Dixie. I’ve been watching a lot of things with Rachel Bilson in them…

Anyways, it’s been a good month. Last week there were a few days with incredibly beautiful weather. I drove with the windows down, blasting music (especially some Keith Urban), and it was fantastic. I was so happy. :) 

And I’m still happy. I think I’ve moved on. And that makes me very, very happy. Some weird thing happened at work over the weekend, concerning one of Matt’s friends. But I don’t want to blog about it. It was just amusing, and kind of incredibly weird. 

For creative writing, we had to write poetry. We had to write 10 poems. I’ll post one here. I’ll eventually post all of them, probably. This one is a haiku. Or well, three haiku’s. It’s below.

Let’s see… What’s been going on. I’m considering joining a sorority next semester. Haven’t decided yet. Cait is this semester, and I’m definitely considering it. I may have a summer job for the month of July. I would make like, $3000. Much more than I make at my job at the rink. My brother’s team is going to the playoffs (woohoooo!). School is tiring, and I’m quite exhausted, but I’m having a good time.

I’m at a much better place now, than I was last semester. Like, I’m actually happy. I think I’m a bit more tired, but that’s to be expected with so much school work.

Poem time. Too lazy to write a complete blog.. Back to homework, I guess….

What Lies Ahead by Me, Emily 
A smile lights up
My face, as bright as the lights
Of New York City.

I hold on tight as
Excitement clenches my heart,
And pulls me in deep.

There in front of me
Lie my future, dreams, and goals,
Waiting to be found.

January 19th, 2012 (approx. 11:41 PM)

[Side note: Apparently you can drag pictures from Facebook into a text post, and they’ll be there. Why did I not realize this before? (This picture was taken at 9:30 AM this morning. I was miserable. I look miserable. And my webcam has horrible quality. D:)]

My first week of my second semester of college is OVER. School started back up on Tuesday (unfortunately). I already miss winter break, and I’m counting down until spring break. ;)

I’ve got five classes this semester… Composition II, Creative Writing, Journalism Principles & Practices, US History since 1865, and Sociology: Social Problems. So far, so good. We haven’t done much yet. I’ve got three classes with a friend I made last semester, too. And a bunch of familiar faces from last semester and orientation, too, which is awesome. The only class I don’t know anybody in is my history class… I plan on finishing up some homework in a little bit so I can have a school-free weekend.

My class times suck this semester. I always have a relatively large gap in between classes, so I don’t know what to do with myself half the time. Sit in my car and read/do homework/listen to music/ignore everybody around me? Sit in the student center by myself awkwardly? Sit in the library, even more awkwardly? Yeah.

I was at lunch today and saw this kid Tom from high school. He was a grade above me. From my freshman foods class. I think he saw me when we left. I haven’t seen him in, like two years. He always would yell “EMM” down the hallway, and give me a hug. He was a pain in my ass, but senior year definitely wasn’t the same with him not being there. Oh Rowan, crawling with students from Township.

Let’s see.. I went to Senior Directed at the high school tonight with Lindsay. It’s always funny, and I’m glad I went. 

I’m really tired, and I don’t feel like writing anymore, even though I did earlier. My face is all better. My mouth feels a bit weird, still, because it’s still healing. But at least I can eat real food again.. Thank God.

Cecilia goes back to school soon. Kristina and Monica and Gelly and Annie already went back… It’s kinda really sad. :/ 

I was going through old files on my computer earlier, and I found a story I started maybe a year or two ago. And it was only 8 pages, but there were some actual good parts in it. I know I’ve said I want to start writing again, and now I’m thinking maybe I’ll start working on a new story, and use parts from the 8 pages story that I like. Must find inspiration.

Maybe I’ll start writing tonight. Or watch a movie.. Or catch up on shows. I don’t know. Real blog sometime next week.

Oh. The title of this post is this song. You have been warned.

January 1st, 2012

Happy New Year.

It’s 3:56AM on January 1st, of 2012. The best friends just left, and I’m about to crash for the next 8 to 12 hours…But I figured I’d write this out now, before I go to sleep for the first time in 2012.

2011 was a good year. I learned a hell of a lot. About people. About relationships and friendships. About who you can trust. About myself.

2011 will always be the year I left high school, and started college, which still seems crazy. It’s still hard to believe that in 16 days I’ll be starting my second semester at Rowan. Weird.

A lot has happened this past year. And it went by so fast.

“Time is precious. Waste it wisely.”

Senior trip. Mr. WT. Prom. Graduation.

Summer. Taylor Swift concert. Shore. Saying goodbye.

College. Thanksgiving break. College. 19th Birthday. Christmas.

Now it’s 2012.

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” - Johnny Cash

I’ve lost a few friends this past year. Like some old best friends I thought I would be friends with for a long time. And I’ve learned that you can’t trust somebody just because you think you know them - because chances are, you don’t actually know who they are. If they treat other people in a horrible way, chances are they’ll be able to treat you the same damn way. And honestly, they’re not worth your time. And while I miss this specific friendship at the most random of times (like when I see a guy I know she’d think was hot), I realize I don’t really miss her. Not as much as I figured I should. You know. Since I thought she was one of my best friends.

I’ve also gained some friends at school. And I’ve kept some amazing friendships. While we’re all separated now, I still know who my best friends are. Cecilia. Kristina. Sabah. Lindsay. And if you want to throw a guy in there, then Dylan. We’ve all been through a lot, but they’re the ones I could trust with my life. But I’ve also become closer to some people. Like Rebecca & Kelsey. We were friends in high school, but now that we’re always together at Rowan, we’ve become closer. There are also other people, like people from work (like Tim). 

So. I still like Dylan. But these past few days I’ve been questioning how much I actually like him still. I drew him for polyana and ended up getting him a pillow pet. lol. I still don’t think anything will ever happen with him, but I do still like him. I think I’m really confused about him. And it’s driving me crazy. I also have developed a huge crush on Tim from work. I’m not surprised. He’s 21-turning-22, and he’s funny, cute, and he has his nice moments. He makes me laugh a lot. :)

I’ve gone through the past 7 months liking Dylan - a lot. I honestly feel like I should just move on, and yet I haven’t been able to yet. I think that when he leaves again for school (and I won’t see him for like, 5 months), it’ll be easier for me to move on. I hope.

2012 is a new year. I really don’t know what resolutions to make for the year, yet.

“Stop waiting for things to happen. Go out and make them happen.”

But I know I want to start working out consistently. We’ll see how that goes. I’m horrible with working out, because I’m way too lazy to do it. ;) But I will start, sometime soon.

I also want to organize my movie collection, which is growing literally every day. (I got like 10 movies for Christmas including ones I bought myself, the entire series of Gilmore Girls and the entire series of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., and two more seasons of Friday Night Lights.) I plan on making a spreadsheet on my computer, so I can make different categories (like Title of Movie, Genre, Starring Actor/Actresses, etc.). I also need to organize my movies in my bedroom.

Which leads me to cleaning my room sometime soon. I get my wisdom teeth out on the 3rd, but sometime afterwards, I plan on cleaning my room and organizing my books and everything.

I also want to write more this year. I planned on writing more last year, but never did. I’m taking a creative writing class this semester, so hopefully that’ll help me get motivated to write more.

I also want to continue doing well in school. I got a 3.925 GPA for the first semester (Damn A- in Comp I.), which I’m really happy with. I’m hoping this next semester will go just as well. We’ll see.

I also want to do something with my crazy movie obsession. I’ve thought many times of making a blog/site that featured movie reviews and everything, but I honestly don’t know. I also thought of making a handwritten notebook of reviews for movies I own (and movies I see/want to own/etc.), just for my own personal reference.

And lastly, I want to be happy this year. The latter half of 2011 featured a very depressed Emily, which was a completely new emotion. I don’t think I’ve ever been as depressed as I was back in like August, September-ish. So I want to be happy this year. And I want to live in the moment.

“So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” - Marilyn Monroe

I’ll be 20 in like, 356 days. I have 356 days until I reach my 20’s, and I want to live everyday to the fullest. Because if I don’t, I will regret it. I’m determined to make 2012 a good year - just as good as 2011, if not better.

“We are so young and we don’t even notice.”

long live 2011.

November 3rd, 2011

After talking to my best friend tonight, it’s made me realize how miserable I am. Maybe miserable isn’t the best word, but well. I’m not bursting with rainbows and flowers.

I don’t hate Rowan. But, hey, I don’t exactly like it. After going through the different courses all yesterday trying to decide which classes to take for my spring semester, it’s made me realize how little the school has to offer for journalism majors.

Seriously.

I want to be a magazine editor. I love writing. I love the world of journalism. I love magazines. I want to be somebody someday. I want to make it in this crazy, competitive world.

But if I stay at Rowan, will I make it? I honestly have no idea. Their journalism department isn’t horrible. The classes aren’t too bad. But how many magazine editors do you hear of that come from Rowan University? Yeah, none.

I’ve always had this dream of New York. And classes that I loved and enjoyed. And you know. I’ve always dreamed of going to my dream school. And within these past four years, my dream college has changed. It’s gone from New York University to Syracuse to Hofstra and back to Syracuse.

I had the chance to attend two of the three schools that I dreamed about going to. And I didn’t go. And yes, I regret it. I can finally admit to myself how much I regret not going to Syracuse.

Syracuse has over 200 majors. They have SO many extracurricular clubs. They have fun, enjoyable classes. Their communications college is one of the best in the country. They have magazine journalism as a major. 

And I was accepted there.

And I turned them down. Because it is SO much money to attend their school. 

And I regret it. And I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had fought to go to my dream school.

So now. This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to save up. I’m going to research everything I can about transferring. I’m going to apply for so many damn scholarships that when people receive my applications/essays they’ll be like “Oh this girl again? We can put this in the Emily folder.”

And I’m going to go for my dream.

October 6th, 2011

It’s officially Dylan’s birthday. As per tradition, I texted him at midnight & then wrote on his facebook wall saying happy birthday. 

It feels so weird. This is like, the first birthday of my friends that we’ve spent apart. It just feels weird that I won’t be seeing him on his birthday. Just like I won’t see Cecilia on her birthday. It’s sad, y’know.

Ugh. Today’s going to be a long day, probably. I wish I could relive senior year. There are a few things I wish could have changed. But I can’t live in the past, and I don’t regret anything. I have to learn from all of my mistakes & all of what happened. And I did learn a lot. Just a little bit too late, you know.. 

I miss my best friends. I miss Cecilia the most. I got to see Kristina the other day and it’s so sad realizing how much we’re missing in each other’s lives. But I loved seeing her. I can’t see Cecilia for another 72 days. So much is going on and I can’t be next to her, and it’s driving me insane. I obviously miss Dylan. It feels weird not seeing him everyday. For the past, like, six years, he’s been the one I’ve seen every school day (in homeroom), except for when one of us was absent. And I miss Angelia. And Annie. And Monica. I miss seeing Sabu & Davis everyday. I miss everybody so much.

September 11th, 2011

Let’s see.

• I started college.
• I met a guy at work named Russ. He’s cute. He called me sweetheart. We’ll see.
• I worked 18 hrs, and 59 minutes this past week. That’s a lot for me. So happy to finally get hours.
• I dropped my American Government class. Thank God.
• I started watching Friends like three or four days ago. I like it a lot so far. It’s quite amusing, and a lot different from the typical dramas I usually watch. I’m on the first season (almost done the first season, actually). And I already ship Rachel/Joey. Heh.. I think it’s because of Matt LeBlanc’s hair. ;)
• I’m completely exhausted and I plan on sleeping in because I have class at 3:15 tomorrow afternoon.
• I saw Alex from child care these past two days. He’s adorable. And I miss him. So much. One of the last days I saw him, I told him he should go ice skating again so I could see him hahaha.
• I saw The Help and Crazy Stupid Love. Fantastic movies. I love Ryan Gosling. I love Emma Stone.

That is all. I’m too lazy to actually write a blog out right now. I’m thinking I’ll start blogging again. I just don’t know where. Website. Livejournal. Here. No idea.. I’ll figure it out.

September 5th, 2011

It’s 12:43 AM. Before going to my room to read, I received a text from Sabu. It basically said, “I hope Matt is ok.” I had no idea what she was talking about, so I asked her. She told me that he had been in a major accident and it was his facebook status.

I didn’t have my laptop, so I went downstairs to use the home computer (that I absolutely never use), to check out what his status was.

What I gathered was, they were going 50mph. They broke a telephone pole in half. He broke the windshield with his head - and he was in the back seat. And he spent 4 hours in the hospital.

He shouldn’t be alive.

And as soon as I read his status, I started crying. I would have texted him asking if he was alright, but he doesn’t have his phone.

So now. I’m sitting here, wondering why I cried. And wondering why I care so much. I don’t like him anymore. I mean, sure, I don’t really have closure. And I still question how and why things ended between us. And I still wonder about the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘what could have happends,’ but honestly. I like somebody else. A lot. And I never see Matt anymore. And I don’t know. The feelings just aren’t there anymore. Not completely.

Next time I see him, I’ll probably get that feeling of confusion, but who knows.

The point is. I guess I was confused as to why I actually cared enough to get concerned and upset. I mean, I think it’s human nature to be concerned if somebody gets in an accident. But to start crying? That’s a little extreme.

We were supposed to start school Tuesday, technically tomorrow, and now I’m assuming he’s not going to be at Rowan. I can’t ask him, though, because he doesn’t have his phone.

God, I worry. Why is he so stupid? He’s such an idiot sometimes. I went from being completely worried and concerned to being angry and annoyed with his stupidity. Complete 180.

I wish he wasn’t stupid. And part of me wishes I didn’t care so much.

August 22nd, 2011

I said bye to Dylan like an hour ago. I got to the stop sign on the end of his street before I started crying. I had to pull over because I was so upset. He leaves tomorrow. His letter made me cry. Everything these days makes me cry.

Saturday night we all went ice skating (while I worked), and then I drove to Cecilia’s house and we stood outside for two hours talking. After two hours, around 12:50, I left. Driving by her killed me and I started crying. I got home at one. Fell asleep around 3. Woke up at 5:45 and talked to her before her plane took off. Fell back to sleep at 6:45 after her plane took off. Then woke up at 8:30 and talked to her because her plane had been delayed. And then fell asleep at 9:30 and slept til 12. Not enough sleep.

Friday after saying goodbye to Krissi with Dyl and Cecilia, I cried in the diner.

This whole saying goodbye thing is killing me. The people I do basically everything with have left me. And it’s really sad. I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. But it hurts, and it makes me cry.