I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
December 24th, 2013
I turned 21 yesterday.
I ended up crying at the end of the night.
The past three months since I’ve written last have been horrible. So much has happened. It’s crazy to think that almost seven months ago I was feeling a completely opposite feeling.
I was happy.
For the past five months, I have been so sad, so miserable, and so lost. This past semester was the worst semester I could have had. I’ve cried more this semester than I have in a long, long, long time. Honestly, I may have cried more these past five months than ever before.
And it’s all because of him.
I last wrote on September 2nd, the day before my first day of my junior year. On September 3rd, I walked into the student center pit, and ran into two of the guys who were sitting together: Dean. And Jason. To say it was awkward would be an understatement. I started hyperventilating in the middle of the student center, and went and sat two couches over from him. Dean came over to say hi, and make sure things were okay, but he had no idea what was going on… Later that day, I decided my deadline was too far away. So I texted him, and asked him if we could talk. We both eventually got defensive, and the conversation ended with him telling me that he didn’t know how he felt. Every time we ran into each other (either at his house or on campus) after that, he would avoid eye contact and wouldn’t talk to me. It was just like July and August.
Two weeks later, on a Wednesday, was our first mixer with his fraternity. I got drunk. So did he. He wanted to talk to me, and tried to talk to me about “us.” I ended up back at his house talking to him. He told me he missed me. He told me he wanted there to be an us. He told me he was sorry, and he had no idea how I felt. I woke up there the next morning. He drove me to my class. We talked for the next week and a half. He texted me almost every day.
A week and a half later was their bid night party. I was drunk again. So was he. We sat and talked at the party. He told me he hadn’t moved on when I insisted that he did. He told me I pushed him away every chance I got. I cried. He apologized. We went back to his house to talk again. He told me he couldn’t just be my friend, and he didn’t want to just be my friend. He told me he wanted to give me everything I wanted, because I deserved whatever I wanted. I woke up there the next morning.
And then I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. He stopped coming around the student center. If I ran into him, we wouldn’t really talk.
Mid-October he texted me drunk, asking why I wasn’t at their party, and telling me he had told his little, who he had just gotten, so much about me.
In late October/early November I started becoming friends with his little. On their initiation party night in early-November, I got a concussion. I talked to Jason for a few minutes… we were both drunk. I ended up crying after I left the party.
I didn’t go to my date party the next week. I thought I would get too sad. A few weeks later was our second mixer with his fraternity. I got very, very drunk. I ended up talking to him throughout the night. I had also realized earlier that week that I had feelings for Steve… his little. I had a good time at the mixer, and for once didn’t end up crying.
I was asked by multiple guys to his fraternity’s date party. I went with my friend Danny. I only had one beer, and was sober for most of the night. Jason was slightly drunk. We talked throughout the night. I was prepared to get incredibly sad, just because everything had started between the two of us, a year before at their date party. But I actually had a good time.
Two weeks later, I was at a party at his fraternity’s house. It was a great party. I got very drunk, and walked around saying that “all four” were here: the two guys in a different fraternity I had hooked up with earlier in the semester, the guy I liked, and the guy I was in love with that broke my heart. Regardless of the four of them being there, I had a great time. We table slid at the end of the night. Jason talked to me, and asked me if I hated him. At the end of the night, I thought we were good, and things were okay, and we were getting back to being friends. I thought I was in a good place, and I thought I was finally okay.
The next night, I went to a party at a different fraternity - the one the two guys I hooked up with mid-semester are in. Jason, Steve, and our friend Hugo (all in the same fraternity) were invited, so I picked them up, and we went. I stayed sober. Steve kissed me. We all ended up back at Jason’s house, where they continued to do shots, and I sat there laughing and just having a good time. I realized I had missed them, and I had missed hanging out with Hugo and Jason. A lot.
Then things got bad because they got drunker, and I was sober. Hugo at one point asked me if I wanted to kiss Jason, and told me now was my chance because his little was in the bathroom. He told Jason to kiss me, because he knew he wanted to. Jason kissed my cheek. My keys went missing so I couldn’t leave. Jason asked me what happened between us. Then he locked me in his room upstairs, and asked me if I liked his little. When I refused to answer, he told me he just needed to know that I didn’t still like him. When I went downstairs, Hugo cornered me and told me I needed to choose: A or B. A being Steve, B being Jason. I told him B wasn’t an option anymore. He told me yes he was. Jason came over and apologized, because he knew I was upset. By this point, it was 4:30 in the morning, and I was not driving home.
Jason let me stay on his air mattress in his room. He came upstairs, and sat down next to me, and asked me if we could talk. He asked me what happened to “us.” He asked me why didn’t I talk to him? He told me he waited to hear from me. He told me we hadn’t talked in months. He told me I did “me” this semester.
I cried the next day for hours. All three of them texted me to apologize. Jason asked if I was okay. I told him the truth. I told him I wasn’t. I told him why, because he asked. I was honest for the first time in months. He told me he thought we were on our way to being friends again. He apologized. He told me he hoped I’d feel better.
The next day, I texted him and apologized for freaking out on him, and asked him if we could start fresh, and just try to be friends again. He said yes, definitely, and he was sure he deserved it (my being angry) and had it coming anyway.
Last Thursday, I went to the house to drop off brownies for the guys. I sat at the table with him, Hugo, and two of the other guys, talking…. Then his ex-girlfriend walked in. It was the most awkward experience of my life. I think I would have been less shocked if the Ukrainian walked in. I knew him and his ex had been hooking up for a few weeks after we had hooked up earlier in the semester, but it was still surprising to me. I left eventually, and went home and cried.
The next day I went to Panera with Hugo and him. It was the first time since, like, May, where we were hanging out soberly. Ironically, the last time we hung out completely soberly and things were okay, was back in May on our last date, when he surprised me after my final and took me to Panera. It was fun. It was most definitely awkward. But we were trying. After we drove back, I went to work. I was early. I sat in the parking lot and cried. He had mentioned a few things at dinner that just reminded me how we had been a thing, and how we weren’t anymore. Later that night he drunk texted me from Hugo’s phone. The next night I drunk texted him.
Yesterday was my 21st birthday. Last year, he was one of the very first people to say happy birthday to me. Back in April, he made plans for my 21st birthday - just me and him all day.
Yesterday he didn’t say happy birthday.
I went to the bar, and then went to my friend’s friend’s house to drink. I was drunk texting Hugo at the time, and then Jason texted me from Hugo’s phone telling me happy birthday. I ended up crying on my way home, and drunk texting him and apologizing. What did I apologize for?
There is only one thing I regret in our 7 months of being whatever we were. The other night when i was drunk, I went through our old texts. The number of times he asked me to hang out, and I made up a stupid excuse or canceled on him is ridiculous. It’s no wonder the kid didn’t realize how I felt. He asked me to come over and hang out with his work friends the day before New Year’s Eve. I said no because I was at work, and didn’t feel like going out. He even asked me to come to dinner with him and his friends from home on his birthday back in April. And I said no because I was already in bed. The list goes on. He tried. He wanted me to meet his friends. And I constantly made excuses. If I could go back and fix it, and do it again, I would.
I lost myself this semester. I know I changed. I have no regrets, but this semester was awful.
He leaves for the Ukraine in four days for two weeks, where he’ll see the girl from this summer. He’s doing whatever he’s doing with his ex-girlfriend again. It’s clear that we’re not a thing anymore, no matter what is said when he’s drunk, or the guys are drunk. I like his little, and his little likes me. And yet, I’m still in love with him. I still miss him, and still want to be with him. And I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling. It’s a conversation neither of us want to have. But it needs to be said, that he’s moved on and there is no us in the future. If it’s not said, there will be no closure, and I’ll be stuck in this place, especially if things keep coming up when both of us are drunk.
Here’s hoping winter break will be a nice break from everything.