my life is emily
used to be my 365 picture blog for the year of 2011. now it's just my personal, personal blog where i write thoughts i can't express on my main blog. i'm a 19 yr. old college freshman with high hopes and a lot of dreams.

~2011 was my year. we will be remembered. ♥
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just when everything is going well…

February 23rd, 2014 (12:19 AM)

Just when I think everything is okay, it’s suddenly not again. 

I was okay for a solid month, at least. Things were good. I was in a good place. I was happy, in a sense. And then things got bad again.

Jason and I were doing so well. We were finally getting to that point where we were actually friends. We went to lunch with a few other friends together. He invited me to the house to drink a few times. We went to the bar together. We would text at random, and actually send each other snapchats without overthinking whether or not we should. I was his number one on snapchat for a solid month. We were doing so well. I was in a good place, and happy, because he was back in my life, as a friend, and things were good between us for the first time in months…

He invited me to his fraternity’s crush party, which was pretty much a date party. And I accepted. (I also had the talk with his little about how I didn’t have feelings for him, and we’re still friends) It was a surprise, him inviting me, but I was still excited. I love date parties, and I figured we’d have fun. 

And then he invited me to the bar at the end of January, just a few days after he invited me to be his date for the date party. We were both very, very drunk. We ended up back at his house, drinking, and hanging out with our other friends. And then for the first time since September, we hooked up.

I was fine with it happening. I still had no expectations for “us,” and I decided to act like it didn’t happen. Things were okay for a few days. And then that next weekend was date party… February 8th.

The day of date party, he treated me like shit. He was a complete ass. I hardly saw him at the date party, and he would hardly talk to me. The next day, I woke up on the air mattress he keeps in his room, and he hardly spoke to me, too. Much to everybody else’s surprise, we didn’t hook up that night (which was fine with me). Most of the guys keep asking my best friend “why did he even ask her if he was going to ignore her all night?” Most of the guys think he only asked me so that none of the other guys could have.

The problem? He hasn’t talked to me since, other than maybe three words at the bar the other night. He’s gone back to ignoring me. And avoiding me. And literally leaving rooms when I walk in. He won’t speak to me. He hid the pictures of us at date party from his timeline on facebook so it’s like we didn’t even go. And all of a sudden, we’re not friends again. We’re back to this awful point, where we were at the end of September/October last semester, when he disappeared on me and started avoiding me again.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m so tired of making an effort to be his friend, when he just continues to fuck it up. It’s gotten to the point where I’m exhausted from the entire situation. I didn’t do anything to him. It’s not like I expected us to suddenly be a thing again. He’s still hooking up with his ex. Which is fine, he’s free to do what he wants. It’s not like I told him “oh, I have feelings for you still.” None of that happened. We hooked up again? Fine. It happens. We never had closure, and we’ve always had unresolved problems and feelings for each other.

I don’t know if we’re ever going to actually be able to be friends at this point. We were doing so well for like, a month. And then suddenly things are back to this awful place. I was in a good place, and he had to ruin it…again. I hate it.

Maybe it’s what he said back in September.

Maybe he can’t just be my friend.

Maybe we can’t just be friends.

It sucks… But maybe it’s time for me to stop trying to be his friend, and for me to let him go completely from my life.

Be OK

January 20th, 2014 (11:09 PM)

Spring semester. Junior year.

It begins tomorrow.

I’ve never been more determined to be okay, and have a good semester, in my life.

This winter break has given me a lot of time, about a month, to think about everything - my life, where I’m at, and what I want in this upcoming semester.

This break I realized as much as I like Steve, I can’t continue things with him. Why? There are multiple reasons, but the biggest one is that I like him, but I don’t have feelings for him. It’s something I think I realized after we hooked up that one time over a month ago, but something I think I tried to ignore and hide from myself. He’s a great guy, but unfortunately not the one for me. I don’t want to hurt him, which is why this is something I plan on talking to him about this week.

This break I hid from most of the world, and it felt great. I hung out with my best friend, my best friends from home, the guys from work, and a few other people. I worked, and I slept. I had fun, and drank with some friends. But I mostly kept to myself. And it was good. I had a good break. I feel more refreshed, and better than I did at the start of last semester. I’m in a much better place than I was back in September. And knowing that makes me feel even better.

For the first time in months, I’m in a good place. I feel okay. I feel happy, kind of.

There are still feelings. And I would love to have some kind of closure. But somehow, someway, Jason and I have become friends (I think). I was at the house to drop things off last Thursday, and I ended up staying and talking with him and two of the other guys for twenty minutes. For the first time in a while, we were able to have a sober conversation where things felt completely normal and not awkward. I’m his #1 on snapchat somehow, he invited me to drink and hang out the other night (but I couldn’t), and we were supposed to get dinner with our other friend today (but we had to postpone to Friday). 

Honestly, I feel like the true test will be to see if he comes around this semester. Last semester he stopped coming to the student center pit, where I usually hang out between classes, because he knew that’s where I was, and he didn’t want things to be awkward, and to run into me. So I feel like if he has gaps in between his classes this semester, the true test of whether or not things are truly okay between us, will be if he shows up in the pit. And if he does, if he actually talks to me in person.

I don’t know how it happened, but we seem to be in a good place. We were never just friends, so I think we’re slowly trying to figure out how to be each other’s friends. It’s hard because I do miss him, and I miss having him to talk to every day, and our spontaneous dates, but at the same time, I’ve realized that I’d rather have him as just a friend, than not have him in my life at all. The months where we would hardly talk last semester/at the end of summer, were the hardest times in these past six months. Like I said, I don’t know how we got here. But I’m happy we did, and I don’t want to mess it up.

So tomorrow starts my second semester of my junior year, and I’m going in feeling okay (thankfully). I’m excited to see a bunch of my guy friends from Jason’s fraternity, who I didn’t get to see over break. I’ve missed them, and they are some of the best friends I’ve made in college. I think part of the reason I’m in a good mood, is because four of my guy friends (including Jason) have invited me to hang out in the past few days..and that’s something I missed last semester - being invited to hang out with the guys for fear that things would be awkward, or it would make me sad.

My goal of the semester is to have a great semester, and to be okay, and finally be happy again. I want to focus on myself this semester, and if that means “doing me” again, then I’ll do it. I have three semesters left of college, and I want to do them right. I don’t want to spend them crying over the guy that broke my heart in the summer of ‘13. I want to spend them with my friends, and the people I love, and I want to spend them being happy, and having a great time.

2013: My year of 5; 2014: The year of letting go

January 3rd, 2014 (2:30 AM)

Happy New Year.

Looking back at 2013, I can honestly say it was the best and worst year of my life.

For the first half of the year, I was happier than I had been in a very, very long time…maybe the happiest I had been forever. I finally started letting somebody into my life. I finally started letting myself open up to somebody. It took awhile, but I finally started letting my guard down. I finally started to believe that maybe, just maybe, things would work out for once. And I believed that maybe for once I wouldn’t get fucked over.

I fell in love.

And then for the second half of the year, I was sadder than I have ever been. I cried more in two months than I have ever cried. I’ve cried more in five months than I would have thought possible. I have been sad. I have been depressed. I have been broken. I have been lost.

I got my heart broken.

2013 was a difficult year. Looking back at the end of 2012, and the start of 2013, I realize I’m in a similar place… Different guy, similar emotions. Only this time, I know what it’s like to be in love with somebody, and to have your heart broken repeatedly by them.

2013 was a weird year for me. I changed, more so in the past 5 months, than in the entire year. I lost myself for a few months. And I think while I’ve been trying to find myself again, I’ve found a completely different Emily…

One thing that was very different for me this year was my guy situation. As of Tuesday, December 31st, at about 2:30 AM, my count of guys I hooked up with in 2013 is a total of five. It’s not a very high number, but in my mind, it’s obnoxious. It’s high. It’s crazy. The “old me” would never have even thought that she would have kissed five different guys in one year.

That’s not how she is/was.

Well, it happened. And while I’m completely surprised that I somehow managed to find five guys to kiss me this year, I have absolutely no regrets. Each guy was different. Each one comes with a different story. I wouldn’t change anything.

Brandon, who is in a fraternity, was one of my drunken hook ups of the semester. I became friends with him during Homecoming week back in October when our sorority did homecoming with his fraternity. He was one of their cute, adorable new guys, and we became fast friends. At the end of homecoming week, we got drunk, and we made out in the fraternity’s basement. He was the first guy I kissed since hooking up with Jason. The ironic part, is that night we hooked up, his ex girlfriend was at Jason’s fraternity’s party. And although I eventually cried after hooking up with him, I don’t regret it. It was my first step of moving on from Jason. It was my first drunken hookup, with no strings attached. It was my first guy I had kissed since Jason… It was something that I needed. We’re still friends, and we even joke about us hooking up.

Joe, who is in the same fraternity as Brandon, was one of my sober hook ups. Joe was also one of the new guys in this fraternity, and is one of Brandon’s best friends. Joe tried to make a move on me several times when he was drunk and I was sober. But finally, at the very beginning of November, we were dancing at a party (soberly), and then he kissed me, and we made out in that same basement. He was the second guy I hooked up with after Jason…the first I hooked up with completely soberly since Jason. Like Brandon, it feels like something that I needed to happen.. Maybe not with Joe, but I feel like eventually I needed to be sober, and be okay with hooking up with somebody while not intoxicated. And I was okay with it. We’re still friends, too, and we joke about it all the time. 

Steve is in Jason’s fraternity…He’s his little. I realized I liked him in November, but I didn’t really act on my feelings. We would text a lot, or snapchat. In early December, at a party, he was slightly intoxicated, I was sober, and he kissed me, and we made out (in that SAME basement). It was the first guy I hooked up with since Jason where I actually had feelings for the guy. It was the first, and the only time this past semester, where I wasn’t sure if I was okay with it afterwards. I’m still unsure of what to do, because while I have feelings for him, things are just too complicated, and I’m still in love with his big (unfortunately). This kid is so nice to me. He’s in Disney, and told me he was going to bring me back a souvenir. He’s sweet, and I do like him. But kissing him almost a month ago freaked me out, and made me rethink everything. I don’t know what it was, but it made me think. It was the only time this past semester where it felt like I was doing the wrong thing. And while I don’t want to lose my chance with him, I also don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lead him on, and then crush him. I don’t want to get in between his and his big’s relationship. I don’t want to cause problems. And I don’t want to continue anything with him if it’s going to cause problems. Especially since I’m not completely sure how I feel right now.

Tim works at the rink with me. He’s the one who had me so confused at the end of 2012. Monday night after work, a bunch of the guys, Crystal, and I all were drinking. Slowly, everyone started leaving until it was just Alex, Tim and I. Alex went downstairs to cut the ice. And then Tim got up and came over to me. He pulled me over to the chair he had been sitting on. And then he asked if it was okay, and then he kissed me. We made out for a while. “This has been a long time coming” and “I’ve been waiting for this to happen for two years” were two things he told me. And he’s right. When I told two of my best friends from home, the first things they said were “it’s about time” and “finally!” We were both very drunk, him more than me, and it’s definitely going to make work interesting. But it happened. And the entire day after, I laughed about it. I was in a good mood, and I just laughed. I remember thinking about how we would make such a good couple, and wondering what it would be like if either of us would just act on our feelings for once. I never actually expected it to happen. But it did. And I’m completely okay with it - more than okay with it, honestly. But I also realized how “in love” I used to think I was with him, wasn’t me being “in love” with him. It was just me liking him, and having feelings for him. And while there’s still that small spark of feelings there, I realized after hooking up with him, that it’s not like it used to be. I realized that I might still like him a little bit…but I also realized I am still completely, and actually in love with somebody else, and that really changes how one looks at things, like old crushes.

And finally, five. Jason. The cause of all my love and heartbreak in 2013. For the first half of 2013, there was no question that we were a thing. All the guys knew that we were whatever we were. And then suddenly we weren’t. And then a few months later, in September, at the start of the fall semester, we hooked up again. Twice. And we thought there was a chance of us being a thing again. But then that chance was suddenly gone, and I lost him. Again. And here I am. Confused, lost, and unable to make myself move on and be happy. But even after all we’ve been through, I have no regrets. I wouldn’t take back us being together again. I wouldn’t take back the time that we were together, the time that we were a thing. As they say, every heart break teaches you something. I’ve learned that I need to be more open with my feelings. I learned that my not being around, not being available, not opening myself up to the possibility of being with somebody who truly cared for me last semester, made him question if I felt the same way as him. As I’ve said before, it’s the only thing I regret and wish I could do differently and fix, about our time together.

But now that 2013 is over, I think it’s time to take a break from the emotional roller coaster. I know I need to move on, and accept that things are over. It’s just a matter of actually doing it, and making it stick. Maybe hearing those words actually come from his mouth would help. But I can’t sit around, waiting to hear them anymore.

2014 can be the year of letting go.

It’s time to focus on myself. It’s time for me to find my happiness again. It’s time for me to get rid of the hope that has been weighing me down for months. It’s time for me to stop allowing myself to be an option. It’s time for me to find myself again, because I’m tired of being lost.

It’s time for me to let go.

I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it

December 24th, 2013

I turned 21 yesterday.

I ended up crying at the end of the night.

The past three months since I’ve written last have been horrible. So much has happened. It’s crazy to think that almost seven months ago I was feeling a completely opposite feeling. 

I was happy.

For the past five months, I have been so sad, so miserable, and so lost. This past semester was the worst semester I could have had. I’ve cried more this semester than I have in a long, long, long time. Honestly, I may have cried more these past five months than ever before.

And it’s all because of him.

I last wrote on September 2nd, the day before my first day of my junior year. On September 3rd, I walked into the student center pit, and ran into two of the guys who were sitting together: Dean. And Jason. To say it was awkward would be an understatement. I started hyperventilating in the middle of the student center, and went and sat two couches over from him. Dean came over to say hi, and make sure things were okay, but he had no idea what was going on… Later that day, I decided my deadline was too far away. So I texted him, and asked him if we could talk. We both eventually got defensive, and the conversation ended with him telling me that he didn’t know how he felt. Every time we ran into each other (either at his house or on campus) after that, he would avoid eye contact and wouldn’t talk to me. It was just like July and August.

Two weeks later, on a Wednesday, was our first mixer with his fraternity. I got drunk. So did he. He wanted to talk to me, and tried to talk to me about “us.” I ended up back at his house talking to him. He told me he missed me. He told me he wanted there to be an us. He told me he was sorry, and he had no idea how I felt. I woke up there the next morning. He drove me to my class. We talked for the next week and a half. He texted me almost every day.

A week and a half later was their bid night party. I was drunk again. So was he. We sat and talked at the party. He told me he hadn’t moved on when I insisted that he did. He told me I pushed him away every chance I got. I cried. He apologized. We went back to his house to talk again. He told me he couldn’t just be my friend, and he didn’t want to just be my friend. He told me he wanted to give me everything I wanted, because I deserved whatever I wanted. I woke up there the next morning.

And then I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. He stopped coming around the student center. If I ran into him, we wouldn’t really talk.

Mid-October he texted me drunk, asking why I wasn’t at their party, and telling me he had told his little, who he had just gotten, so much about me.

In late October/early November I started becoming friends with his little. On their initiation party night in early-November, I got a concussion. I talked to Jason for a few minutes… we were both drunk. I ended up crying after I left the party.

I didn’t go to my date party the next week. I thought I would get too sad. A few weeks later was our second mixer with his fraternity. I got very, very drunk. I ended up talking to him throughout the night. I had also realized earlier that week that I had feelings for Steve… his little. I had a good time at the mixer, and for once didn’t end up crying.

I was asked by multiple guys to his fraternity’s date party. I went with my friend Danny. I only had one beer, and was sober for most of the night. Jason was slightly drunk. We talked throughout the night. I was prepared to get incredibly sad, just because everything had started between the two of us, a year before at their date party. But I actually had a good time.

Two weeks later, I was at a party at his fraternity’s house. It was a great party. I got very drunk, and walked around saying that “all four” were here: the two guys in a different fraternity I had hooked up with earlier in the semester, the guy I liked, and the guy I was in love with that broke my heart. Regardless of the four of them being there, I had a great time. We table slid at the end of the night. Jason talked to me, and asked me if I hated him. At the end of the night, I thought we were good, and things were okay, and we were getting back to being friends. I thought I was in a good place, and I thought I was finally okay.

The next night, I went to a party at a different fraternity - the one the two guys I hooked up with mid-semester are in. Jason, Steve, and our friend Hugo (all in the same fraternity) were invited, so I picked them up, and we went. I stayed sober. Steve kissed me. We all ended up back at Jason’s house, where they continued to do shots, and I sat there laughing and just having a good time. I realized I had missed them, and I had missed hanging out with Hugo and Jason. A lot.

Then things got bad because they got drunker, and I was sober. Hugo at one point asked me if I wanted to kiss Jason, and told me now was my chance because his little was in the bathroom. He told Jason to kiss me, because he knew he wanted to. Jason kissed my cheek. My keys went missing so I couldn’t leave. Jason asked me what happened between us. Then he locked me in his room upstairs, and asked me if I liked his little. When I refused to answer, he told me he just needed to know that I didn’t still like him. When I went downstairs, Hugo cornered me and told me I needed to choose: A or B. A being Steve, B being Jason. I told him B wasn’t an option anymore. He told me yes he was. Jason came over and apologized, because he knew I was upset. By this point, it was 4:30 in the morning, and I was not driving home.

Jason let me stay on his air mattress in his room. He came upstairs, and sat down next to me, and asked me if we could talk. He asked me what happened to “us.” He asked me why didn’t I talk to him? He told me he waited to hear from me. He told me we hadn’t talked in months. He told me I did “me” this semester. 

I cried the next day for hours. All three of them texted me to apologize. Jason asked if I was okay. I told him the truth. I told him I wasn’t. I told him why, because he asked. I was honest for the first time in months. He told me he thought we were on our way to being friends again. He apologized. He told me he hoped I’d feel better.

The next day, I texted him and apologized for freaking out on him, and asked him if we could start fresh, and just try to be friends again. He said yes, definitely, and he was sure he deserved it (my being angry) and had it coming anyway.

Last Thursday, I went to the house to drop off brownies for the guys. I sat at the table with him, Hugo, and two of the other guys, talking…. Then his ex-girlfriend walked in. It was the most awkward experience of my life. I think I would have been less shocked if the Ukrainian walked in. I knew him and his ex had been hooking up for a few weeks after we had hooked up earlier in the semester, but it was still surprising to me. I left eventually, and went home and cried. 

The next day I went to Panera with Hugo and him. It was the first time since, like, May, where we were hanging out soberly. Ironically, the last time we hung out completely soberly and things were okay, was back in May on our last date, when he surprised me after my final and took me to Panera. It was fun. It was most definitely awkward. But we were trying. After we drove back, I went to work. I was early. I sat in the parking lot and cried. He had mentioned a few things at dinner that just reminded me how we had been a thing, and how we weren’t anymore. Later that night he drunk texted me from Hugo’s phone. The next night I drunk texted him.

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. Last year, he was one of the very first people to say happy birthday to me. Back in April, he made plans for my 21st birthday - just me and him all day.

Yesterday he didn’t say happy birthday.

I went to the bar, and then went to my friend’s friend’s house to drink. I was drunk texting Hugo at the time, and then Jason texted me from Hugo’s phone telling me happy birthday. I ended up crying on my way home, and drunk texting him and apologizing. What did I apologize for?

There is only one thing I regret in our 7 months of being whatever we were. The other night when i was drunk, I went through our old texts. The number of times he asked me to hang out, and I made up a stupid excuse or canceled on him is ridiculous. It’s no wonder the kid didn’t realize how I felt. He asked me to come over and hang out with his work friends the day before New Year’s Eve. I said no because I was at work, and didn’t feel like going out. He even asked me to come to dinner with him and his friends from home on his birthday back in April. And I said no because I was already in bed. The list goes on. He tried. He wanted me to meet his friends. And I constantly made excuses. If I could go back and fix it, and do it again, I would.

I lost myself this semester. I know I changed. I have no regrets, but this semester was awful.

He leaves for the Ukraine in four days for two weeks, where he’ll see the girl from this summer. He’s doing whatever he’s doing with his ex-girlfriend again. It’s clear that we’re not a thing anymore, no matter what is said when he’s drunk, or the guys are drunk. I like his little, and his little likes me. And yet, I’m still in love with him. I still miss him, and still want to be with him. And I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling. It’s a conversation neither of us want to have. But it needs to be said, that he’s moved on and there is no us in the future. If it’s not said, there will be no closure, and I’ll be stuck in this place, especially if things keep coming up when both of us are drunk.

Here’s hoping winter break will be a nice break from everything.

The start of something new

September 2nd, 2013

I start my junior year of college tomorrow.

I’ve been anxious to go back to school for the past month or so. I miss being busy. And I need the distractions. But now that it’s tomorrow, I’m even more anxious about going back.

These past two months have been some of the hardest days. I’ve been so sad, so depressed, and so broken. I expected things to get better once people started coming back for school, and once school started. But now I’m starting to think things are just going to go downhill from here…

The other girl is gone, however, I haven’t talked to Jason yet. And he hasn’t reached out to me yet, either. I found out he planned on approaching me once school started, and once she left to go back home, to talk to me. But I don’t know what his plan is anymore. I don’t know if he’s still planning on talking to me about why and how he disappeared on me for two months. I set a deadline for myself. 

September 9th.

If I don’t hear from him by then, I plan on confronting him. If not, it’ll eventually happen… more than likely at our first mixer with his fraternity in the middle of September. I’d rather not do it at a party, though.

I need to talk to him. I need closure, or something, to help me move on. I feel pathetic. It’s absolutely ridiculous missing somebody who obviously doesn’t give a shit about you.

I thought I was prepared. But now I feel like I’m back in July, right when I found out. I’m so nervous to go to the pit in the student center where we all usually hang out tomorrow, and for him to wander in randomly. I’m so nervous for him to come in, and sit down, and avoid talking to me, or making eye contact. I’m nervous because since not everybody knows, somebody could make a joke or say something about the two of us, or ask us how our summers were, or how we’re doing, or if we’re official yet. I’m even more nervous that he’ll come in, see me, and then walk away and not sit down, because of the awkwardness and uncomfortableness. I want for things to be okay. I don’t want to lose him completely. I’m nervous that I’ll get there, and he’ll already be there, and all I’ll want to do is run.

I can’t do that.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year, a new semester, a new, clean slate. 

I’ve spent the past two months crying, and being sad, and just missing him, and wanting him back. Tomorrow is the start of trying to fix myself, and trying to lose that feeling of wanting him. I’ve been thinking for the past two months that the only thing that could fix this, and fix me, is him. But tomorrow is the start of trying to fix what he broke - with or without him. 

On another note, it’s been exactly a year since Tim’s first drunken confessions. Who knew how much things could change in a year.

I really think it’s time girl, you quit defending him

I wrote this on July 26, 2013. It is now August 22, 2013.

A lot has happened in six seven months.

For the majority of the first half of 2013, I was incredibly happy. I became closer to a lot of people at school, especially a group of guys in my favorite fraternity. I started to go out more, and have a lot of fun. The second semester of my sophomore year was definitely one for the books. I really was truly happy.

One big reason why I was so happy, was because I was talking to/dating this kid for about… almost seven months. We weren’t in an “official relationship.” But we were exclusively dating since the end of November/December. After being screwed over so many times in the past few years, being treated like a princess, and so sweetly, was exactly what I needed.

He made me so happy. He would call me to say goodnight randomly. If I fell asleep talking to him, he would send a text 20 minutes later saying goodnight. He made plans for my 21st birthday (which is in December) back in April, even though it was 8 months away. We made plans for the summer, especially for when he moved into his house at the school with some of the other brothers. He once surprised me at the library and took me to dinner. We went to his fraternity’s formal together. We were always together at mixers, or parties… He always took care of me if I was drinking. Everyone always told me how he would always talk about me, and that’s all he would talk about. And how he “had it bad.”

Everybody knew we were together, even though we weren’t “together.”

This summer has been hard. After he surprised me and took me to dinner after one of my finals on May 7th, school ended on May 9th.

That was the last time I saw him before summer.

He works everyday, and works over 65+ hours a week…  So at the end of May I asked him if he was still interested, because he would constantly disappear or die on me when we were texting, or talking. And he said he was. He was just really busy because of work, and that’s why he couldn’t hold a relationship during the summer. I knew that. I was okay with that. I was happy knowing that he was still interested, and he still wanted to hang out and everything. I told myself that once he moved into his house in the beginning of July, things would go back to normal… we’d be able to hang out.

A few weeks later, he disappeared for three weeks. I didn’t hear from him. And so finally I texted him, not sure what was going on. Things were fine, he sent me a smiley face and everything. This was on a Thursday. June 27th.

As of right now, that was the last time I talked to him.

The following Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, July 3rd, is when I found out from my best friend he was sleeping with a foreign girl that’s here for the summer working where he works. 

I saw him that night when I went to the house (his house where he’s living with some of the other guys I’m good friends with) to drop off brownies/hang out with a few of my friends that live there, too. We didn’t speak. He didn’t look at me. And I bolted as soon as he showed up after work.

I’ve been at the house 7 8 times since I’ve found out. He’s showed up four five times.

Twice with her.

Every time he’s showed up with her, he’s pushed her up the stairs, and run upstairs to hide. Every time he’s showed up, he hasn’t looked at me. Or said a word to me.

I haven’t stopped crying in about three weeks seven weeks.

How do you just disappear from somebody’s life? How do you just decide that that’s okay? How can you think that the girl you’ve been with for six months won’t find out, especially when she’s good friends with all the other guys that live in the same house? 

Some of the other guys took care of me on July 20th when I was at a party at the house, and I was upset. They kept telling me how he would realize he lost something really special, and how I deserve better, and he doesn’t deserve me…and how he wouldn’t be hiding in his room if he didn’t realize he had fucked up. But nothing makes me feel better. It all just made me feel worse. Overhearing one of the guys saying that he actually thought that he was an “actual, real, decent human being” and how “he changed when he was with her until this happened” made me feel worse. When his big came to the house last night while I was there, and questioned one of the other guys “Why isn’t my little downstairs with Emily? Who’s he with in there?” and the other guy told him the short version of what had happened, which pissed him off…. that made me feel worse.

The last time he showed up when I was there was about three weeks ago, at the very beginning of August (the last time I was there before I went on vacation and everything). He actually stood across from me and hung out in the living room where we all were hanging out for a little while. He avoided eye contact, and he didn’t talk to me. I think he was more uncomfortable than I was. But he’s not the one who ended up lying on the floor for 30 minutes, sad.

The worst part is, I still feel like I’m waiting around for him. I know we need to talk, or else I’ll never get any kind of closure at all. And I want to tell him how much he hurt me, and how broken I’ve been for weeks now. I want to tell him how much I trusted him, and how much he fucked up, because god forbid he actually have feelings for somebody, and not run away from those feelings. I want to tell him I would have done anything for him, because he made me so happy, but he gave all of that up for sex with some girl who leaves in a month (I don’t know when she leaves).

I just want an apology. I want an explanation. He owes me that much. He didn’t even have the decency to fucking tell me. I should have known….

These past few days I’ve been going through a lot of crap. And all I’ve wanted was a hug and for him to reassure me that things would be okay. And I can’t have that. I haven’t talked to him in two months. I’ve pushed it off long enough. I was going to wait until the school year started (a week and a half basically), but I think it needs to be done now. I need for him to tell me that he no longer has feelings for me, because I need to move on and be able to let him go. Yeah, he treated me great, and I was so incredibly happy a few months ago, but clearly he turned out to be the person I was warned he would be.

Living in the moment

January 1st, 2013

It’s crazy how a year has gone by already. I hardly ever blog anymore. I don’t actually go on Tumblr unless I’m really bored. But it only seemed fitting that I came on here and wrote down my thoughts about this past year.

While trying to figure out what my new year resolution was going to be for this year, I couldn’t remember what my resolution from last year was. So I came on here and read over my posts about 2012 last year.

"And lastly I want to be happy this year… I want to be happy this year and I want to live in the moment."

It’s funny, because when thinking of a resolution for 2013, my first thought was “to be happy.” 

This past year was a good year. I joined a sorority, started my second year of college, got my Little… I had a lot of fun, met what feels like millions of new people, and became more outgoing. I’ve made some amazing new friends, and I love them all. I’ve liked two guys this year, or technically three, but I no longer like the one. One is a guy from one of the fraternities I’m close to at school.

One is the same guy I started liking at the beginning of 2012. I feel like I’ve come full circle. Wasting an entire year on a guy seems so pointless, and so stupid, and it feels like I should just move on and be done with it all. But he makes it so hard when he’s one of the only ones who texted me saying happy new year. He makes it hard when he makes me smile, and laugh, and happy. Yeah, he frustrates me, and he’s upset me, and pissed me off. But he’s made me smile and laugh more than any of the negative. But does it outweigh the negative?

I don’t know.

We’ve gone through a lot these past five or six months, more so in these past four months than anything. So much has happened, and so much is confusing and unexplained. All I know, is that I like him a lot. And he likes me. But he’s ‘fucked up,’ and doesn’t want to ‘fuck with my head’ or anything. And I should move on, but do I want to move on? I don’t think so. Not yet. And the only reason I think I don’t want to move on yet, is because I know that if I move on, it means giving up hope, 100%, on him and everything involving him. And the only way to move on, would be to cut him out of my life, because I can remain friends with him, but I think for as long as I remain friends with him, I’m never going to be truly over him.

It’s all so confusing.

For the New Year, though, I would like to continue my 2012 resolution “to be happy.” 

2013.

I want to move forward, and not dwell on the past. I want to live in the moment. I want to accomplish goals, and be the best me possible. I want to do better than I did this past year. I want to continue to grow into the person I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and find happiness in the things I do, the people I surround myself with, and the work I do to try to achieve my dreams.

The craziest things happen when you least expect them to

July 28th, 2012 (approx. 2:09 AM)

It’s been forever since I’ve blogged. I haven’t had the time, and I honestly haven’t felt the need to. But tonight was weird, and I figured I should mark the weirdest night of my life by documenting it on my personal blog.

So much has happened these past four months. I’ve moved on from Dylan. I’ve started liking a new guy. I’ve finished my first year of college.

I’ll rewind to about three weeks ago…

Three weeks ago on the day before the fourth of July, Tim drunk texted me, asking to borrow my book. He already had the one, and he wanted the next one. The next day, I was planning on bringing him the book, but my car’s back windshield had been broken. I had no way of getting to him, and was stranded at my friend’s house for her birthday party. We jokingly argued all night about him coming to pick me up, and me going to our work to drop it off.

He ended up picking me up.

After dropping me off, he texted me asking if I was going to sleep, and then proceeded to tell me he wanted to hang out & when I told him after I get back from vacation, he said I don’t wanna wait. Of course by that text he was drunk.

And then he disappeared for a week. I talked to him the following Thursday, and then the Tuesday I got back from vacation, I talked to him again. I worked both the Fri & Sat nights with him. Friday we talked, but Saturday we were completely bored and by ourselves. So we just sat there and chatted about random stuff. We talked about the night he picked me up & I “turned down hanging out.” We talked about my vacation. We talked about so much random stuff.

The following Wednesday, it was his birthday. He showed up while I was working because he had a hockey game. After his game, we ended up getting done the same time, and we walked out together.

Thursday night, or Friday early morning, at about 2:30 in the morning, he texted me. He was drunk, and in AC for his birthday. The highlight of his drunk texts was him telling me he missed me - which I still don’t understand, and I still haven’t gotten an answer to. I got pissed off, though, because the only texts he ever sends are drunken ones, minus the rare sober ones. If he can’t text me while he’s sober, then why should I text him back while he’s drunk. I just don’t know what to think. Delia told me months ago about how Tim is always talking about me, and how when he was drunk he told her that he “didn’t know. I know I’m always saying I’m just messing around, but I think it could be something more.” Or whatever he said. I just don’t get it. Apparently drunk!Tim may possibly like me lol.

Friday night I had work, and I showed up not knowing what to expect. He helped me find my brother, he jokingly got annoyed that I didn’t get him anything from Saladworks…typical Tim behavior. Except he was 10 times quieter, and completely hungover and dead tired. He walked by multiple times saying he wanted to throw up. He was half asleep the whole night. And when I asked how his birthday had been, he told me he “didn’t want to talk about it.” It was an amusing night. I think I would have gotten more information from him about his lovely night, and I could have confronted him about his texts, if my friends hadn’t been there. But oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Then, Mel & I were talking about “Hollydell Mistakes” at work tonight. I said mine was definitely Matt last year, although I don’t know if it was a mistake, or just.. not a good choice…

And then, after an entire year, Matt came into Hollydell tonight. I haven’t seen him since he left the place a year ago. I was, and still am, in complete shock. It was probably one of the most unexpected things to happen within the past two days (the other being Tim drunk texting me Thursday night).

I freaked out.

I know he noticed I freaked out, too. I literally was like what the hell? Tim noticed my freak out, too, I believe. When I was talking to Mel behind the snack bar about it, and Matt being there, Tim was staring at me. I don’t know if he was worried, confused, or pissed because I was giving him a headache haha.

But Matt’s brother invited me to a party, and told me to text Matt for the address. I decided it was in my best interest to not go. I’m pretty sure my going to that party would result in my calling somebody (probably Tim or my best friend), either drunk or stranded. 

Tonight was so weird. I just don’t get life sometimes.

Sigh. Oh well.

I’m seeing Parachute tonight. And the Cab. Hopefully it makes it all better.

It’s been a month.

March 11th, 2012 (approx 4:13 PM)

So it’s been about a month since I last wrote my thoughts down. I figured since a lot has happened, I should probably blog sometime soon. So why not today?

Let’s see. I’ve been on campus SO much lately. Eating lunch, just hanging out in the pit, etc.

I joined a sorority. (Crazy right?)  The sorority is ASA. And the girls are absolutely amazing. I love it. It’s just so much fun. And I’m meeting a bunch of new people. Cait and I are both in ASA. We haven’t gotten our Bigs yet - or big sisters. I know who I want, and I’m hoping she wants me, too. :) She is awesome. She loves the Flyers, Audrey Hepburn & Harry Potter. SO much in common haha.

So I’ve been spending my life on campus with friends and everything. Wednesday night I went to my first mixer. That was certainly interesting. I couldn’t stay long because I had to drive home, though.

This week is Spring Break. I really need a break, so I’m excited for it. :) I went to see The Lorax this past week. It was good. I wasn’t feeling well, though, so I was slightly out of it. I’m not a fan of animated movies, but I had to see it because Taylor was in it haha.

Matt had his hockey playoffs. They lost the first game, which was absolutely awful. They could have won. If they had won, they would have automatically had a “game 3” on Sunday, even if they didn’t win Saturday night. If they had won, they would have gone to Districts. So sad they didn’t win & that the season’s over now. Oh well. They haven’t gone that far in a LONG time. I’m happy for them.

Big news! BIG NEWS! BIG NEWS!

I’m living on campus next year. With Cait, her friend Lauren, and this other girl, hopefully in Edgewood apartments. After two days of arguing, it was decided I would live on campus. Now, two days later, I’m slightly freaking out. I have no idea where I’m going to get the money for it… It’s around $7000-$10000 extra than what I pay now as a commuter. But I think it’s the right choice. I’m always on campus now, and I want the chance to live out on my own. Of course I could have waited until junior year, which was what I was planning on, but I don’t know. It just seemed right now. I still have time to change my mind, but I don’t think I will.

School’s been crazy. It’s been difficult. Work’s been crazy, too. Just life in general is a little insane.

I’m going to try to get my homework done with today and tomorrow so I can enjoy my Spring Break. Maybe get some DLT stuff done. Get started on some papers due in late March/early April. I have to write a short story, too. 

I’m going to the Flyers game March 22nd! To see the Capitals - and lovely Knuble, of course. :) I think I’m taking daddy. That same night is the Hunger Games midnight premiere. SO EXCITED. :) I’m going with Sabah & Davis, and a few other people I know are going, too. Plus March 30th is Formal for ASA. So, so busy…

And I’m feeling gooooooood….

February 7th, 2012 (approx 9:33 PM)

I should be reading The Jungle for history right now, but I’m not. I was going to check out the Forever21 website, and browse a bit. But it’s not working. So now I’m here. On Tumblr. 

My mom and I finished the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls last night. Jess left, Rory graduated, and I cried. We’re now on the beginning of the fourth season. I’m counting down the episodes until A.) Jess comes back. And tells Rory he loves her. and B.) Luke and Lorelai get it onnnnn~ heh. and C.) When Lorelai walks into a door when the Dragonfly is opening, and it’s all because of Luke…which happens in the same episode as B. 

OH. And I finally finished The O.C. And I cried. A lot. Now I want to rewatch it again, even though I definitely don’t have time. I’m considering buying the complete series for like $79, instead of $179. So it’s a good price.. Gah, I love the show, and seeing Adam on Gilmore Girls made me really want to watch The O.C. And Rachel in Jumper, Waiting for Forever & Hart of Dixie. I’ve been watching a lot of things with Rachel Bilson in them…

Anyways, it’s been a good month. Last week there were a few days with incredibly beautiful weather. I drove with the windows down, blasting music (especially some Keith Urban), and it was fantastic. I was so happy. :) 

And I’m still happy. I think I’ve moved on. And that makes me very, very happy. Some weird thing happened at work over the weekend, concerning one of Matt’s friends. But I don’t want to blog about it. It was just amusing, and kind of incredibly weird. 

For creative writing, we had to write poetry. We had to write 10 poems. I’ll post one here. I’ll eventually post all of them, probably. This one is a haiku. Or well, three haiku’s. It’s below.

Let’s see… What’s been going on. I’m considering joining a sorority next semester. Haven’t decided yet. Cait is this semester, and I’m definitely considering it. I may have a summer job for the month of July. I would make like, $3000. Much more than I make at my job at the rink. My brother’s team is going to the playoffs (woohoooo!). School is tiring, and I’m quite exhausted, but I’m having a good time.

I’m at a much better place now, than I was last semester. Like, I’m actually happy. I think I’m a bit more tired, but that’s to be expected with so much school work.

Poem time. Too lazy to write a complete blog.. Back to homework, I guess….

What Lies Ahead by Me, Emily 
A smile lights up
My face, as bright as the lights
Of New York City.

I hold on tight as
Excitement clenches my heart,
And pulls me in deep.

There in front of me
Lie my future, dreams, and goals,
Waiting to be found.