January 1st, 2013

It’s crazy how a year has gone by already. I hardly ever blog anymore. I don’t actually go on Tumblr unless I’m really bored. But it only seemed fitting that I came on here and wrote down my thoughts about this past year.

While trying to figure out what my new year resolution was going to be for this year, I couldn’t remember what my resolution from last year was. So I came on here and read over my posts about 2012 last year.

“And lastly I want to be happy this year… I want to be happy this year and I want to live in the moment.”

It’s funny, because when thinking of a resolution for 2013, my first thought was “to be happy.” 

This past year was a good year. I joined a sorority, started my second year of college, got my Little… I had a lot of fun, met what feels like millions of new people, and became more outgoing. I’ve made some amazing new friends, and I love them all. I’ve liked two guys this year, or technically three, but I no longer like the one. One is a guy from one of the fraternities I’m close to at school.

One is the same guy I started liking at the beginning of 2012. I feel like I’ve come full circle. Wasting an entire year on a guy seems so pointless, and so stupid, and it feels like I should just move on and be done with it all. But he makes it so hard when he’s one of the only ones who texted me saying happy new year. He makes it hard when he makes me smile, and laugh, and happy. Yeah, he frustrates me, and he’s upset me, and pissed me off. But he’s made me smile and laugh more than any of the negative. But does it outweigh the negative?

I don’t know.

We’ve gone through a lot these past five or six months, more so in these past four months than anything. So much has happened, and so much is confusing and unexplained. All I know, is that I like him a lot. And he likes me. But he’s ‘fucked up,’ and doesn’t want to ‘fuck with my head’ or anything. And I should move on, but do I want to move on? I don’t think so. Not yet. And the only reason I think I don’t want to move on yet, is because I know that if I move on, it means giving up hope, 100%, on him and everything involving him. And the only way to move on, would be to cut him out of my life, because I can remain friends with him, but I think for as long as I remain friends with him, I’m never going to be truly over him.

It’s all so confusing.

For the New Year, though, I would like to continue my 2012 resolution “to be happy.” 

2013.

I want to move forward, and not dwell on the past. I want to live in the moment. I want to accomplish goals, and be the best me possible. I want to do better than I did this past year. I want to continue to grow into the person I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and find happiness in the things I do, the people I surround myself with, and the work I do to try to achieve my dreams.

July 28th, 2012 (approx. 2:09 AM)

It’s been forever since I’ve blogged. I haven’t had the time, and I honestly haven’t felt the need to. But tonight was weird, and I figured I should mark the weirdest night of my life by documenting it on my personal blog.

So much has happened these past four months. I’ve moved on from Dylan. I’ve started liking a new guy. I’ve finished my first year of college.

I’ll rewind to about three weeks ago…

Three weeks ago on the day before the fourth of July, Tim drunk texted me, asking to borrow my book. He already had the one, and he wanted the next one. The next day, I was planning on bringing him the book, but my car’s back windshield had been broken. I had no way of getting to him, and was stranded at my friend’s house for her birthday party. We jokingly argued all night about him coming to pick me up, and me going to our work to drop it off.

He ended up picking me up.

After dropping me off, he texted me asking if I was going to sleep, and then proceeded to tell me he wanted to hang out & when I told him after I get back from vacation, he said I don’t wanna wait. Of course by that text he was drunk.

And then he disappeared for a week. I talked to him the following Thursday, and then the Tuesday I got back from vacation, I talked to him again. I worked both the Fri & Sat nights with him. Friday we talked, but Saturday we were completely bored and by ourselves. So we just sat there and chatted about random stuff. We talked about the night he picked me up & I “turned down hanging out.” We talked about my vacation. We talked about so much random stuff.

The following Wednesday, it was his birthday. He showed up while I was working because he had a hockey game. After his game, we ended up getting done the same time, and we walked out together.

Thursday night, or Friday early morning, at about 2:30 in the morning, he texted me. He was drunk, and in AC for his birthday. The highlight of his drunk texts was him telling me he missed me - which I still don’t understand, and I still haven’t gotten an answer to. I got pissed off, though, because the only texts he ever sends are drunken ones, minus the rare sober ones. If he can’t text me while he’s sober, then why should I text him back while he’s drunk. I just don’t know what to think. Delia told me months ago about how Tim is always talking about me, and how when he was drunk he told her that he “didn’t know. I know I’m always saying I’m just messing around, but I think it could be something more.” Or whatever he said. I just don’t get it. Apparently drunk!Tim may possibly like me lol.

Friday night I had work, and I showed up not knowing what to expect. He helped me find my brother, he jokingly got annoyed that I didn’t get him anything from Saladworks…typical Tim behavior. Except he was 10 times quieter, and completely hungover and dead tired. He walked by multiple times saying he wanted to throw up. He was half asleep the whole night. And when I asked how his birthday had been, he told me he “didn’t want to talk about it.” It was an amusing night. I think I would have gotten more information from him about his lovely night, and I could have confronted him about his texts, if my friends hadn’t been there. But oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Then, Mel & I were talking about “Hollydell Mistakes” at work tonight. I said mine was definitely Matt last year, although I don’t know if it was a mistake, or just.. not a good choice…

And then, after an entire year, Matt came into Hollydell tonight. I haven’t seen him since he left the place a year ago. I was, and still am, in complete shock. It was probably one of the most unexpected things to happen within the past two days (the other being Tim drunk texting me Thursday night).

I freaked out.

I know he noticed I freaked out, too. I literally was like what the hell? Tim noticed my freak out, too, I believe. When I was talking to Mel behind the snack bar about it, and Matt being there, Tim was staring at me. I don’t know if he was worried, confused, or pissed because I was giving him a headache haha.

But Matt’s brother invited me to a party, and told me to text Matt for the address. I decided it was in my best interest to not go. I’m pretty sure my going to that party would result in my calling somebody (probably Tim or my best friend), either drunk or stranded. 

Tonight was so weird. I just don’t get life sometimes.

Sigh. Oh well.

I’m seeing Parachute tonight. And the Cab. Hopefully it makes it all better.

March 11th, 2012 (approx 4:13 PM)

So it’s been about a month since I last wrote my thoughts down. I figured since a lot has happened, I should probably blog sometime soon. So why not today?

Let’s see. I’ve been on campus SO much lately. Eating lunch, just hanging out in the pit, etc.

I joined a sorority. (Crazy right?)  The sorority is ASA. And the girls are absolutely amazing. I love it. It’s just so much fun. And I’m meeting a bunch of new people. Cait and I are both in ASA. We haven’t gotten our Bigs yet - or big sisters. I know who I want, and I’m hoping she wants me, too. :) She is awesome. She loves the Flyers, Audrey Hepburn & Harry Potter. SO much in common haha.

So I’ve been spending my life on campus with friends and everything. Wednesday night I went to my first mixer. That was certainly interesting. I couldn’t stay long because I had to drive home, though.

This week is Spring Break. I really need a break, so I’m excited for it. :) I went to see The Lorax this past week. It was good. I wasn’t feeling well, though, so I was slightly out of it. I’m not a fan of animated movies, but I had to see it because Taylor was in it haha.

Matt had his hockey playoffs. They lost the first game, which was absolutely awful. They could have won. If they had won, they would have automatically had a “game 3” on Sunday, even if they didn’t win Saturday night. If they had won, they would have gone to Districts. So sad they didn’t win & that the season’s over now. Oh well. They haven’t gone that far in a LONG time. I’m happy for them.

Big news! BIG NEWS! BIG NEWS!

I’m living on campus next year. With Cait, her friend Lauren, and this other girl, hopefully in Edgewood apartments. After two days of arguing, it was decided I would live on campus. Now, two days later, I’m slightly freaking out. I have no idea where I’m going to get the money for it… It’s around $7000-$10000 extra than what I pay now as a commuter. But I think it’s the right choice. I’m always on campus now, and I want the chance to live out on my own. Of course I could have waited until junior year, which was what I was planning on, but I don’t know. It just seemed right now. I still have time to change my mind, but I don’t think I will.

School’s been crazy. It’s been difficult. Work’s been crazy, too. Just life in general is a little insane.

I’m going to try to get my homework done with today and tomorrow so I can enjoy my Spring Break. Maybe get some DLT stuff done. Get started on some papers due in late March/early April. I have to write a short story, too. 

I’m going to the Flyers game March 22nd! To see the Capitals - and lovely Knuble, of course. :) I think I’m taking daddy. That same night is the Hunger Games midnight premiere. SO EXCITED. :) I’m going with Sabah & Davis, and a few other people I know are going, too. Plus March 30th is Formal for ASA. So, so busy…

February 7th, 2012 (approx 9:33 PM)

I should be reading The Jungle for history right now, but I’m not. I was going to check out the Forever21 website, and browse a bit. But it’s not working. So now I’m here. On Tumblr. 

My mom and I finished the 3rd season of Gilmore Girls last night. Jess left, Rory graduated, and I cried. We’re now on the beginning of the fourth season. I’m counting down the episodes until A.) Jess comes back. And tells Rory he loves her. and B.) Luke and Lorelai get it onnnnn~ heh. and C.) When Lorelai walks into a door when the Dragonfly is opening, and it’s all because of Luke…which happens in the same episode as B. 

OH. And I finally finished The O.C. And I cried. A lot. Now I want to rewatch it again, even though I definitely don’t have time. I’m considering buying the complete series for like $79, instead of $179. So it’s a good price.. Gah, I love the show, and seeing Adam on Gilmore Girls made me really want to watch The O.C. And Rachel in Jumper, Waiting for Forever & Hart of Dixie. I’ve been watching a lot of things with Rachel Bilson in them…

Anyways, it’s been a good month. Last week there were a few days with incredibly beautiful weather. I drove with the windows down, blasting music (especially some Keith Urban), and it was fantastic. I was so happy. :) 

And I’m still happy. I think I’ve moved on. And that makes me very, very happy. Some weird thing happened at work over the weekend, concerning one of Matt’s friends. But I don’t want to blog about it. It was just amusing, and kind of incredibly weird. 

For creative writing, we had to write poetry. We had to write 10 poems. I’ll post one here. I’ll eventually post all of them, probably. This one is a haiku. Or well, three haiku’s. It’s below.

Let’s see… What’s been going on. I’m considering joining a sorority next semester. Haven’t decided yet. Cait is this semester, and I’m definitely considering it. I may have a summer job for the month of July. I would make like, $3000. Much more than I make at my job at the rink. My brother’s team is going to the playoffs (woohoooo!). School is tiring, and I’m quite exhausted, but I’m having a good time.

I’m at a much better place now, than I was last semester. Like, I’m actually happy. I think I’m a bit more tired, but that’s to be expected with so much school work.

Poem time. Too lazy to write a complete blog.. Back to homework, I guess….

What Lies Ahead by Me, Emily 
A smile lights up
My face, as bright as the lights
Of New York City.

I hold on tight as
Excitement clenches my heart,
And pulls me in deep.

There in front of me
Lie my future, dreams, and goals,
Waiting to be found.

January 24th, 2012

For about seven years, he was in my life. Feelings like this disappeared and surfaced at random. They lasted longer than feelings for a simple crush last. Feelings are constantly changing, however my feelings for him have been around for a while. Friendship, love, and a sense of belonging. It always felt like the “right” thing. But college is a funny thing. It changes people. You meet somebody new, you make new friends, and you find out who you’re supposed to be. Sometimes you figure out who you’re supposed to be with, or who you’re not supposed to be with. And it’s possible that even after seven years, feelings can be lost. If you lose something, it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Being lost is not permanent. It’s not set in stone. If it’s meant to be found again, you’ll find it. But if it’s not right, and it’s not really lost, you’ll leave it behind, because you know that that’s what you want.

January 19th, 2012 (approx. 11:41 PM)

[Side note: Apparently you can drag pictures from Facebook into a text post, and they’ll be there. Why did I not realize this before? (This picture was taken at 9:30 AM this morning. I was miserable. I look miserable. And my webcam has horrible quality. D:)]

My first week of my second semester of college is OVER. School started back up on Tuesday (unfortunately). I already miss winter break, and I’m counting down until spring break. ;)

I’ve got five classes this semester… Composition II, Creative Writing, Journalism Principles & Practices, US History since 1865, and Sociology: Social Problems. So far, so good. We haven’t done much yet. I’ve got three classes with a friend I made last semester, too. And a bunch of familiar faces from last semester and orientation, too, which is awesome. The only class I don’t know anybody in is my history class… I plan on finishing up some homework in a little bit so I can have a school-free weekend.

My class times suck this semester. I always have a relatively large gap in between classes, so I don’t know what to do with myself half the time. Sit in my car and read/do homework/listen to music/ignore everybody around me? Sit in the student center by myself awkwardly? Sit in the library, even more awkwardly? Yeah.

I was at lunch today and saw this kid Tom from high school. He was a grade above me. From my freshman foods class. I think he saw me when we left. I haven’t seen him in, like two years. He always would yell “EMM” down the hallway, and give me a hug. He was a pain in my ass, but senior year definitely wasn’t the same with him not being there. Oh Rowan, crawling with students from Township.

Let’s see.. I went to Senior Directed at the high school tonight with Lindsay. It’s always funny, and I’m glad I went. 

I’m really tired, and I don’t feel like writing anymore, even though I did earlier. My face is all better. My mouth feels a bit weird, still, because it’s still healing. But at least I can eat real food again.. Thank God.

Cecilia goes back to school soon. Kristina and Monica and Gelly and Annie already went back… It’s kinda really sad. :/ 

I was going through old files on my computer earlier, and I found a story I started maybe a year or two ago. And it was only 8 pages, but there were some actual good parts in it. I know I’ve said I want to start writing again, and now I’m thinking maybe I’ll start working on a new story, and use parts from the 8 pages story that I like. Must find inspiration.

Maybe I’ll start writing tonight. Or watch a movie.. Or catch up on shows. I don’t know. Real blog sometime next week.

Oh. The title of this post is this song. You have been warned.

January 8th, 2012

It’s like midnight, and I wrote a blog just 24 hours ago. I know, I know. I’ve been blogging way too much. But this is something I’ve been thinking about recently, especially last night, and I need to write it down.

Yesterday I stayed up talking to my best friend, Cecilia, online from like at least midnight until 3:30 in the morning. I’ve missed our long talks so much. It was a much needed talk. Every time we talk, I always feel like things make so much more sense. Which is why she’s my best friend. :)

Anyways, we were talking about Dylan at one point. And I’ve been thinking a lot about him and how I feel about him since he’s been home for winter break. I came to the conclusion that I do still like him. But not as much. I think I’m finally moving on. For the past seven months, I have been head over heels for this guy, and completely confused to anything concerning him.

So what’s changed?

One. I think that I just don’t want to like him anymore. I think that my liking him has become an unhealthy thing.

[Cecilia and I often refer to our crushes on some guys as “healthy crushes.” For example, someone I have a crush on because they make me smile and laugh a lot would be considered a healthy crush. Tim would be an example of a healthy crush I have right now. He makes me smile, we always joke around, and I know we won’t get together. There are no pressures, and it’s just like..fun? It’s difficult to explain…]

But anyway, the point is, Dylan is no longer a “healthy crush.” Then again, I don’t know if he ever was.. Everything with Dylan makes me sad, or confused, or upset. Yeah, there are things that make me happy, but I’m more confused or annoyed when I sit and think about him. He also goes to school almost five hours away. I don’t think he likes me back, and even if he does, this is just not going to go anywhere.

Second. After my talk with Cecilia, I realized that I’ve changed these past few months since he’s gone away to school. It’s not a huge, drastic change. But it’s noticeable if you want to notice it. I had a rough latter half of the year in 2011. I was always sad and upset. And I will now be the first to admit that I was borderline-depressed for a good few months. Which is a horrible thing. A really bad thing that I’ve been working on for the past month.

I’ve always been horrible with change. But now I’ve stopped holding onto high school and the past. I think I’ve kind of accepted that I’m growing up. I mean, I’m 19 now. I’ll be 20 at the end of 2012. Now, I’m focused on trying to figure out my life, and trying to find who I really am. Within this past month, I’ve started trying to enjoy school more, and I’ve started “growing up,” I think. And while I’m in this process of growing up and changing, liking Dylan has become so serious, and so confusing. And I think I’ve started to “out grow” my liking him. In other words, I’ve just started moving on…

Third. I’m not the only one who has changed. Dylan’s changed, too. I know he doesn’t enjoy school much. I think he’s trying to hold onto high school, although I honestly have no idea what’s going through his mind. I know he misses it, though. And him being back from being away so long has made him so dylan-y and clingy (although I’m not exactly sure if that’s the right word for it), even more so than usual, I think. Like, for instance, he kept telling me that when I got my wisdom teeth out, he’d come over and watch movies all day. And I kept telling him I wasn’t going to have company over. And he just kept saying that he was going to come by. And I got annoyed by that. 

Fourth. I think it’s really difficult to actually like somebody while they’re away. You can like somebody, but then when they come back, I don’t think you can just know that you still have feelings for them. People change when they’re apart. I mean, I really liked Dylan before he went to college. And when he left, I still liked him. And I held this idea of him in my mind until he came back. And by the time he came back, I was still holding this idea of him. And that’s what I liked. (Not saying that I didn’t/don’t still have feelings for him.)

I don’t know if I’m making much sense. But I do know that for the past two weeks or so, almost every time we’ve been texting, I’ve died on him at some point. I feel bad, but I would just get bored or annoyed with the conversation.. Yeah, he’s still one of my best friends. But we’re definitely not as close as we were, which is kind of to be expected, since he’s away at school. 

I think it also kind of has to do with the fact that I’ve been becoming closer to my mom lately. And I’ve been focusing my attention on other things, other than just missing and liking Dylan. And that makes me feel good if I’m being honest.

I was looking forward to him being home for winter break, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him all the time while he was home. But if I’m being completely honest, I haven’t been in the mood to hang out with him without a group of people.

I know I’m not completely over him yet, but I’m getting there. I mean, with him, though, there’s a chance that I’ll always have some feelings for him. He’s Dylan. He’s my best friend. And for the past seven years or so, on and off, there’s always been something there. I told Cecilia last night that I may wake up in the morning and deny that I ever said I was moving on.

But I woke up this morning, and I didn’t deny it. Actually, I was in a good mood, and only thought about it a little bit throughout the day. When he texted me today, I just thought about this decision and how I felt, and I was okay with it all.

I think that now I’ve accepted that I’m growing up, I’m ready to start moving on and enjoying life. My two main priorities this year are:

Find out who I am. Or well, at least work towards finding out who I am. I don’t think it’s something I can figure out in just one year. It’s an ongoing process.

and more importantly, Be Happy. Like I said, the last part of last year was absolutely horrible for me. I don’t want to experience the feelings of depression I felt again anytime soon. I think if I’m being honest, making the decision to move on from Dylan made me happier today. I want to get rid of the depressing things in my life (such as negative thoughts about college and unhealthy crushes), and I want to focus on the things that make me happy.

Once I press ‘Create Post’ this all will be real. And surprisingly, I’m okay with that. :)

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

January 7th, 2012

I think I’ve been blogging more than I did last year, when I attempted 365-blogging…

I think it’s mostly because I’ve been so bored lately (getting your wisdom teeth out absolutely SUCKS, incase you hadn’t realized). I think it also has to do with the fact that I miss blogging. But I’ll probably slow down once school starts back up. Ick, ten days from now I start my second semester of college. Crazy how time flies. This past year has gone by so fast.

Anyways, I finally left the house last night (Friday the 6th) - first time since Tuesday. I went to the ice rink to watch my brother’s hockey game. It was weird being there and not working. I ran into Tim. But literally said two words to him since it hurts to talk. Then I went home and watched Gilmore Girls with mom.

So I think I mentioned that I watched the entire seven seasons of Gilmore Girls from June-August this past year. (yes, yes, I’m a tv junkie blah blah blah.) Well, since I got the entire series for Christmas, I’ve started re-watching the show. (Because, you know, seeing each episode once isn’t enough.)

This isn’t weird. I’m known for watching too much television. The weird part about this is the fact that I’ve been re-watching the show with my mom.

I’m not sure if you’d be able to notice by reading my tumblr, but my mom and I don’t often get along. I love her. But we’re not as close as say, Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Honestly, we’re more like Emily and Lorelai - always arguing. It’s been a joke for me, but I always say I know when I’m going to get my period, because I always get in a fight with my mom the day before - which is actually usually pretty true.

Anyways, the first time I watched Gilmore Girls, I fell in love with the show for multiple reasons. I loved the quirky town, and the lovable characters. I thought Lorelai and Luke were the perfect example of best-friends-who-belong-together. I also thought Lorelai was one of the most witty television characters I’ve ever seen. And of course, I thought Milo Ventimiglia was hot. ;) 

I also loved the show because of Lorelai and Rory’s relationship. It’s a relationship I’ve never had with my mom. Being completely honest, I’m a total daddy’s girl. But anyways, Rory and Lorelai weren’t just mother and daughter, they were best friends, too. They told each other everything. They were so much alike. They were like, the perfect mother-daughter pair.

Watching the show the first time, it was like I was experiencing something completely new. I had never been that close to my own mom, so I experienced it via the Gilmore Girls. 

When I got the series for Christmas, my first thought was Do I rewatch this or FRIENDS first?

When I chose to rewatch Gilmore Girls, I decided to ask my mom to watch the first episode with me. I remember it was Christmas night and we got into an argument, so I sat down and started watching it by myself. She came in and asked me “What is this show even about?” She had never watched Gilmore Girls - we were more of a 7th Heaven family when I was growing up. And I told her it was about a mother and a daughter in a small town. I told her it was one of my favorite shows. So we sat down and watched the first episode together.

We now have two episodes left of the first season. I’m surprised we’ve gotten through almost an entire season already. My mom’s not usually one to watch so much television.

We’ve been watching an average of two episodes a day since Christmas - only missing one or two days here and there, and sometimes watching more than two episodes or only one episode. I went to get ready for bed the other night, when my mom said, “Ready to watch Gilmore Girls?” 

I think part of me wanted my mom to watch the show with me so we could have that special mother-daughter time. I think I also wanted to introduce her to one of my favorite shows - like I introduced her to Friday Night Lights. She really likes the show now, and now we have that in common.

We’re always chatting about how Luke and Lorelai belong together. And we argue about Dean (or as we refer to him as, “bag boy.”). I keep telling her she’ll love Jess, but she hasn’t met Jess yet, so she just talks about Dean Dean Dean.

Tonight we were talking about how much my mom dislikes Emily Gilmore in these past few episodes. I agreed with her, but told her that there are some episodes where I want to hug Emily. (Like the episode where Emily stands up to Christopher for Lorelai, and the episode where Emily wants to buy Lorelai and Luke a house.) I told her there’s this scene in one episode that I want to tell her about, but I don’t want to ruin the show for her.

When I said it, I was thinking about how the episode I was talking about was in season six, and I wasn’t even sure if my mom and I were going to make it that far.

And my mom goes, “Don’t tell me, I can wait until we get there.”

Gilmore Girls has literally brought me closer to my mom. No, we’re not as close as Lorelai and Rory. And we’re really not like the two, other than the fact that my mom likes coffee and I like to read. But because of the show, we’ve been spending every night together watching an episode or two. And it’s nice. It’s like mother-daughter bonding time. 

This week, because I’ve been home and lying on the couch with my face hurting, my mom’s been taking care of me. She’s been making me milkshakes and smoothies, trying to help me feel better. And we’ve been watching Gilmore Girls, yes. But we’ve also been watching FRIENDS and different movies.

But mostly Gilmore Girls.

Honestly, I’m really happy right now. I think this is the closest my mom and I have been in a while. And it’s nice. I hope this lasts. It’s a good feeling. I leave you with this beautiful gif of a beautiful human being.

January 4th, 2011

It’s almost 1AM. I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. I look like a chipmunk. So adorable - not. It doesn’t hurt too bad, though. And I completely passed out during the surgery, and only remember waking up twice. Both times I saw blood and closed my eyes and passed out again without realizing it. I spent the day on the sofa watching movies (Sweet Home Alabama, 50 First Dates, and 10 Things I Hate About You. Plus 2 episodes of Gilmore Girls with my mom, and the new show, Jane by Design.). Tomorrow I plan on watching more movies, and attempting to eat soup. Maybe? My grandma’s supposed to stop by, too, since my mom has work. Sometimes I really, really love my family. :)

I don’t think I mentioned. I won an award! Or well, multiple honorable mentions and one award for when I was Editor in Chief of my high school paper senior year (last year). I’m quite happy and proud. :) I got an honorable mention for Overall Excellence & Editor in Chief. I also got an honorable mention for Feature Writing. And placed first with In-depth reporting. I have to go back and visit my high school to figure out exactly what articles were submitted and stuff. 

Thinking about this makes me miss being editor in chief. It makes me want to pursue my dreams of becoming a magazine editor even more. (Have I ever mentioned why I want to be a magazine editor? I’ll do that sometime..)

Anyways, two days ago I was thinking of a blog post I wanted to write while at work. But got busy organizing my movies (I’m up to movie #68. Seriously, I own too many movies.), watching the Winter Classic (damn it, the Flyers should have won), and having friends over to watch movies. So here I am now.

I was trying to re-evaluate my life, and figure out who I am.

I feel like I used to have things figured out and now…I don’t.

I want to start keeping a journal, but knowing me, I’ll lose it. Or something. So maybe I’ll just attempt to blog more often on here. Who knows. 

I think for the new year I’m going to focus on figuring out who I want to be, and figuring out who I am. I’m going to try to become the person I want to be - whoever that may be. This includes changing my style, which I started thinking of doing at the end of last year actually, and figuring out which personality traits of mine are really me. If that even makes sense. I also want to figure out my career goals a bit more, and figure out the best ways to pursue them. Yes, I want to intern at Seventeen Magazine, but the chances are slim. So I want to figure out a way to make those chances a bit better.

I also said in my big “New Year” post that I wanted to start writing again. And I was serious about that. I think I’ll start while on break, before my creative writing class begins. I had this idea for a story, but then changed my mind about it. Now I think I’m going to make it into individual short stories. But I still haven’t figured everything out. I also thought about looking into writing scripts (like, for movies). Not saying that I’ll ever write a script, but it’s something I’ve always been interested in. My mom always used to say I was going to be a novelist or a playwright or something of the sort. I do love writing. And I love movies (and plays). It’d be awesome if I could actually finish a script (or a story for that matter).

Okay, my face hurts. More later. :)

January 1st, 2012

Happy New Year.

It’s 3:56AM on January 1st, of 2012. The best friends just left, and I’m about to crash for the next 8 to 12 hours…But I figured I’d write this out now, before I go to sleep for the first time in 2012.

2011 was a good year. I learned a hell of a lot. About people. About relationships and friendships. About who you can trust. About myself.

2011 will always be the year I left high school, and started college, which still seems crazy. It’s still hard to believe that in 16 days I’ll be starting my second semester at Rowan. Weird.

A lot has happened this past year. And it went by so fast.

“Time is precious. Waste it wisely.”

Senior trip. Mr. WT. Prom. Graduation.

Summer. Taylor Swift concert. Shore. Saying goodbye.

College. Thanksgiving break. College. 19th Birthday. Christmas.

Now it’s 2012.

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” - Johnny Cash

I’ve lost a few friends this past year. Like some old best friends I thought I would be friends with for a long time. And I’ve learned that you can’t trust somebody just because you think you know them - because chances are, you don’t actually know who they are. If they treat other people in a horrible way, chances are they’ll be able to treat you the same damn way. And honestly, they’re not worth your time. And while I miss this specific friendship at the most random of times (like when I see a guy I know she’d think was hot), I realize I don’t really miss her. Not as much as I figured I should. You know. Since I thought she was one of my best friends.

I’ve also gained some friends at school. And I’ve kept some amazing friendships. While we’re all separated now, I still know who my best friends are. Cecilia. Kristina. Sabah. Lindsay. And if you want to throw a guy in there, then Dylan. We’ve all been through a lot, but they’re the ones I could trust with my life. But I’ve also become closer to some people. Like Rebecca & Kelsey. We were friends in high school, but now that we’re always together at Rowan, we’ve become closer. There are also other people, like people from work (like Tim). 

So. I still like Dylan. But these past few days I’ve been questioning how much I actually like him still. I drew him for polyana and ended up getting him a pillow pet. lol. I still don’t think anything will ever happen with him, but I do still like him. I think I’m really confused about him. And it’s driving me crazy. I also have developed a huge crush on Tim from work. I’m not surprised. He’s 21-turning-22, and he’s funny, cute, and he has his nice moments. He makes me laugh a lot. :)

I’ve gone through the past 7 months liking Dylan - a lot. I honestly feel like I should just move on, and yet I haven’t been able to yet. I think that when he leaves again for school (and I won’t see him for like, 5 months), it’ll be easier for me to move on. I hope.

2012 is a new year. I really don’t know what resolutions to make for the year, yet.

“Stop waiting for things to happen. Go out and make them happen.”

But I know I want to start working out consistently. We’ll see how that goes. I’m horrible with working out, because I’m way too lazy to do it. ;) But I will start, sometime soon.

I also want to organize my movie collection, which is growing literally every day. (I got like 10 movies for Christmas including ones I bought myself, the entire series of Gilmore Girls and the entire series of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., and two more seasons of Friday Night Lights.) I plan on making a spreadsheet on my computer, so I can make different categories (like Title of Movie, Genre, Starring Actor/Actresses, etc.). I also need to organize my movies in my bedroom.

Which leads me to cleaning my room sometime soon. I get my wisdom teeth out on the 3rd, but sometime afterwards, I plan on cleaning my room and organizing my books and everything.

I also want to write more this year. I planned on writing more last year, but never did. I’m taking a creative writing class this semester, so hopefully that’ll help me get motivated to write more.

I also want to continue doing well in school. I got a 3.925 GPA for the first semester (Damn A- in Comp I.), which I’m really happy with. I’m hoping this next semester will go just as well. We’ll see.

I also want to do something with my crazy movie obsession. I’ve thought many times of making a blog/site that featured movie reviews and everything, but I honestly don’t know. I also thought of making a handwritten notebook of reviews for movies I own (and movies I see/want to own/etc.), just for my own personal reference.

And lastly, I want to be happy this year. The latter half of 2011 featured a very depressed Emily, which was a completely new emotion. I don’t think I’ve ever been as depressed as I was back in like August, September-ish. So I want to be happy this year. And I want to live in the moment.

“So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” - Marilyn Monroe

I’ll be 20 in like, 356 days. I have 356 days until I reach my 20’s, and I want to live everyday to the fullest. Because if I don’t, I will regret it. I’m determined to make 2012 a good year - just as good as 2011, if not better.

“We are so young and we don’t even notice.”

long live 2011.